逝去的春天

2012年初， 我还在AUP, 我很喜欢上课，尤其是上英文课。喜欢上课是因为每个班都在不一样的地方，去上一堂课，你必须爬上爬下5楼1楼5楼1楼那样。喜欢上课也是因为每堂课都是不一样的朋友，时间表也都能自己定。喜欢上课更是因为老师们都很好，和以往的教科制度都不一样。那时候除了最难搞的maths之外其他都pass了。对每件要做的事情都很清楚前因后果。那时候啊，也参加了一大堆课外活动，什么大小club的camp啊，gathering啊，我都去，没有错的话，参加了13个club。那时候我向往着international business前去，所以参加活动都是为了认识人啊。很正面积极的做人。上课之前都提早起来，装饰自己，很顾形象，虽然不怎么帅，但就不邋遢，得体。

2012年 5月 4日
那一被风吹过的夏天，我认识了她。

可能我比一些人早上课，第二个semester就会有新学生来facebook加我。

一切就好像被安排似的。不知为何，我去信息这女孩，
'hi, thanks for add... mind intro?'
很多人会说，simson你一定是看人家漂亮就跟人家讲话啦，男生都是那样。其实不是，再之前也add了其他女生他们都不错看，可是我就没有去信息啊，就这一位女孩。我，信息了...

一种奇妙的旅程由此开始

她，也很有礼貌地回复：hello is         here, 18 =) frm sban。
噢，大家都是芙蓉人，也都是inti生。就这样聊起来了。

那个时候她拿了一个FBIT，1st semester。而我还是AUP。

很快的，我告诉她，她给我的第一印象。她有70%像张韶涵

我们的聊天都很正式，也不像现在打字起来一大堆符号，也没有一大堆的short form。可能是那时候英文课的后遗症吧。

她，没有去orientation, 要找人带带她走走。那时，我带不到，还在sembreak中，就叫她问问看那些她中学但早一个sem来的朋友，最后她找了她姐姐的男朋友帮忙。

至于我呢，我也忘了那个时候sembreak我在做什么，就可能闷，就信息问了她，今天怎样？

她，dun enjoy. feel like changing to law sub, business is not my cup of tea. 我就随口说了，咦，你有律师样咧。

She: How you know?
Me: Because I can see it.
She: Face is different la.
Me: Haha, I can see it. You will be a very successful lawyer.

之后她说，她当天哭了两次。因为不能适应大学的生活。因为觉得她加入不到班上的gang,她比较特别，喜欢静静的空间。过后也就聊她如何换课程的东西了。那个时候啊，她问的问题其实都不是我答的，因为我也不懂，很快就打电话给这个那个朋友或者officer问问看，才回答她的。

那个时候啊，我对她没有什么感觉的，就觉得能够帮一位新学生就帮，我真的很喜欢这里的生活，接触到很好的东西。说的东西就比较正面而顾及学校的形象。

另一天，随口问了她，changed course? 她竟然说是的，A-Level's Law。 什么？！我还觉得她开玩笑呢。我告诉她我很喜欢宿舍的生活，有朋友，虽然比较朴素，可是很开心。因为一直以来我都是个不喜欢待在家的人，虽然家里有冷气和好床，可是比较闷。宿舍生活很简单，随口喊喊就有几个人回答你。那个时候整个block F还有以前8，90年代的宿舍生活的态度。她，很想回家，第一个礼拜嘛。

She: Inti lousy la, no diploma in law.
Me: then why you come here?
She: Sister n her bf la. plus i wan study.
Me: It's ur future, cannot based on your sister and her bf la. Oops, i talked like an uncle.
She: I like your attitude like an uncle.
Me: haha, thank you. Since you have choose the subject you like, i believe that you could achieve high performances in that.
She: hope so, high performance hard to find bf also :p...
Me: high performance in study doesnt mean that. high performances in studies or works give you wider range of choices of boyfriends with excellence attitude (我不知道以前我可以打这样的字）
She: normally guys give up me easily. u guys hard to get my mind la.
Me: is them guys, not me, im not included, i studied a few psychology, might get people mind easily, although not always right la :p..
She: lol, u can try..
Me: seriously, is easy for a girl to get a boyfriend, than a boy to get a girlfriend.
She: honestly, is nice to chat with you, even we're not so know each other.
Me: Maybe im talkative?
She: Is nice you talk with me. cus i seldom talk in real life, maybe you will scare me.
Me: Me too, but im changing. I need wider social network for my future, so sometimes need to be thick face.
She: So when you see me, just simply say hi to me, cus i will nvr talk to ppl who i dunno
Me: I always walk fast looking at the ground or the sky. normally, if female friends i smile, male friends i wassup. If i see you i too shy forget to say hi, you remember to smile at me yeah?haha.

就大概到这里，就叫她有机会就试试周末留在宿舍，和朋友多多出去交流。然后她就说，教堂是她最喜欢去的地方，她是catholic, 我便向她借借bible, 我不是基督徒或者天主教，可是那个时候我有兴趣去了解主。她便邀请我随时join她去church。

She likes to take photograph. She has a DSLR with her, bringing it to every place she went to snap down the special moments that she likes. I even asked her to bring her camera to inti so i could get a special collection for myself. She agreed.

Me: Trust me, get friends, spend time together, enjoy uni's life. tell you la, my gang all boys.
She: join me la, im girl.
Me: You go get a gang of girls then join my gang of boys la. my gang now small, left me and 2 johor older friends.
She: nvm la. actually how you think of me?
Me: friendly, attractive, responsible, humorous.
She: 2nd 1 quite fake ah.
Me: oo, you no trust me.
She: believe la.. I always reject people who praise me, that i'm pretty because i think im not.
Me: Because there's no ugly people in my life.
She: lol, you're right.
Me: sincerely, based on our conversation, i know you're good, really glad to know you.

I don't know why but suddenly, I have strange feeling towards her. It is weird because until now, it is only the fifth day since we know each other.

Then, we started to invite each other to join together for revision although different courses, but she is taking law which i would take in the future, and she requested English language & grammar help from me. We did went out for revisions 2 weeks later when I'm back to uni. That time, i am so motivated to go out with her for revisions isnt because i really want to learn law, as im not taking that yet, it is just that my grandparents always mentioned to me, ‘you must find a female friend, that you both can always study and do revision together, then improve together, is very good.' then, i ma try lo..haha..

We had fun chit chatting with each other. Constantly exchanging messages for 5 days, almost 6 hours nonstop everyday. I get used to talk to her. We both enjoy reading each others' blog. She likes my blog because very chim. I like her blog because she has strong vocabulary and news about latest trend.

In the following days, she told me she have a senior that always take good care of her, bringing her to this and that place, eat a, hang out a, buy things a. At first, i feel very normal only. But when she kept saying it everyday, she did almost everything with this senior, I started to get very jealous. But is ok, i remain nothing because she said she wants to focus in study now, and, I did think a lot, she's going to UK while I'm going to US.

Now, im scrolling the old messages, i even taught her, 'hatred make us suffer, leads to false action, i wont hate people, and never hate people before, i just dun like, but i will tell them why.' so chim.

She then mentioned she doesnt like people to wear white spec, looks like nabek. And, that time, im wearing a white spec. Then ask her, so, you dont like me la? she said, you ok, just your spec only. But nothing to worry that time, i have 4 different specs that time, black white noframe metallic. She said to me, she asked me to check her Facebook information, as she did mentioned a few points there, or favorite quote. I never recalled that I did wrote to her something like this 'no, i seldom read people's facebook information, because i don't like to know someone just based on the info given but not based on interaction.

Me: You want mature guys a? those 20 or above lo?
She: dont older more than 3 years la. 20 is enough for me.
Me: haha, your senior.
She: Ya, he is mature thinking.
Me: Tell you sincerely, mature thinking is in everyone, just based on is it suitable to show maturity or not, sometimes maturity hurts, sometimes, help.
She: You keep ask me these questions, is it you interested in me?
Me: no la, i just want to know my friends well only la.
She: So, what you want to know?
Me: Nothing. I prefer real life interaction. Can know someone's behavior and words may lies. But, I trust you.
She: As what I trust you.

Then we talked about highschool life, what we did. I was a prefect. She hates prefect. She said no people will like prefect, i said i liked. Everyone hates me, i'm very strict, i have principle. Then we talked about past relationships. We both had two past puppy love before.

She likes my brother, the 3 years old one.

She: Hen cute leh.
Me: just like me.
She: yaya, let you cute xia la.
Me: shet, so childish.
She: sama sama childish la.
Me: I deeply believed that sometimes, childish at a particular time period will make us more relieve than being mature all the time since childish helps us to laugh, to play along, just like a kid, dem enjoy...
She: You made me smile. I agree.

We have our conversations going on for days. Few days later. she promised me to teach me to play Richard Clayderman's Marriage De Lamour.

说到这，大多是暧昧的对话了。我不想让看这篇的人吐，因为几个很close的brother听了都骂粗话。不由自主地记着她说过的每句话。就是不愿意承认自己喜欢她，因为很不可思议，我们真的还没有见过，而且在那两个星期里就喜欢上一个女生会让我自己觉得很儿戏。

突然之间，她问我，她是不是我的那杯茶。我傻掉: haha
She: not tea also milo la..
Me: you so straight to the point...
She: wah..
Me: Just need to look into your eyes.
She: so straight.
Me: You straight, i mah straight lor.
She: I afraid voltage too high.
Me: And you get stunned right?
She: Just kidding. I'm lame.
Me: No la, very cute.
She: i dont like people say im cute. M i cute?
Me: ok la, not cute, charming ok.
She: I prefer people say i am thin.
Me: you very thin / slim ady lo.
She: thx la.
Me: you really scare voltage high?
She: ya, but cannot force de ma. sorry la, im.. awkward...

We then shared somethings within our own family. Feel nice and lucky.
She: praise GOD to know you. amen~ sleep now.

我真不知道那时我是真单纯还是假正经。

Few days later.
She: I like big green field. can lay down and look sky.
Me: wa. me same. I wish to go there since 10 years old. Wide endless green field.
She: 为何， 我向往的， 你也是呢？
你是我哥哥？
Me: how i know?@@ just some points same only la.
She: ok lo.
Me: Blogging.
She: Who?
Me: Me.
She: ? Me too.!!
Me: What? 为何，和我一样？ 你是我姐姐？
She: I not jiejie. Im mei mei. I oct de lo.
Me: I don't want. I want others...

She: 问你啦，女孩喜欢贴近那个男孩，因为他有很特别的味道，证明那男的有安全感？
Me: 哇。谁酱sexy. 我哪懂，我没有贴近男生嗅他们的味道lol. 不知道，之前也有一个女孩天天站我旁边，说我很香。够力。(is she)
She: 哈哈，好笑。
（几段censored了）
She: 你很了解我一下。我在学着放下压力。
Me: 你总是学不会，别学了！干脆找一天，和我聊。
（几段不是重点）
She: - - -
Me: 哇，你的名字好听到～
She: 我突然想喝绿豆汤
Me: 煲给你
She: 你会？
Me: 错，叫那个追你的那个男生，你讲他什么都愿意做。
She: 那个不可能的啦。我还是喜欢senior的主动。
Me: 看来，我不用追你了，有他就够了。哈哈。开玩笑罢了。哈哈。不过如果你的senior真的很好，选他吧。
She: let the time choose.
Me: if very hard to choose, choose me xD. easy.. jokin...
She: lol. okok. i know you joke.
Me: I can dunwan joke too.
She: serious?
Me: let the time to choose. btw, can you change your profile picture?
She: why?
Me: too attractive jor. cannot focus. haha.
She: you want me block you from see my things?
Me: joking jek...
She: Yes ma, you keep complain.
Me: no complain la. praising only.
She: no choice lo, what to do if i attractive? xD
Me: ya lo what to do. give me more time to know you.
She: Why?
Me: nothing.
She: K.

因为一些事弄到我自己看起来很复杂，然后她说：做你朋友就好啦，做你女朋友，很难咯。

过后，
She: 那你喜欢谁？
Me: 现在？
She: 难道未来咩？
Me: 现在没有，想喜欢的就有。
She: 勇敢点啦，谁哦？
Me: 你。
She: wa, serious? 真的是我咩？
Me: 你看你又不相信我。
She: 你讲到不清不楚酱。
Me: haha, you lo.
She: hard to believe lo. but why me?
Me: i dont  know. our conversation?
She: 开玩笑。

读到一半，原来以前，我有妄想去哈佛学院。哈哈。

She know ask as if i know martial arts? because she learned. Taekwando if not mistaken.

Me: I ask you la. how if i punch you?
She: punch you back. Since i know also.
Me: What if i slap you?
She: slap you back lo. i dunno how.
Me: What if I love you?
She: Love and like is different la. make sure you love me before you say it out!
Me: tease u jek.
She. What if i kiss you?
Me: hmmmmmmm.. i never think about this before lol @@
She: I waiting someone online.
Me: is a boy.
She: who?
Me: the one you wait la.
She: y u out? =(
Me: ask the person la. what why i out? you not waiting someone online meh.
She: nothing,i think the person might doing something.
Me: ya la. boy la.

我还真不知道那时我是真单纯还是假正经。

She: y u learn so many english? how u learn?
Me: what me? you stalk me? .... 999
She: saw your status jek...
Me: you lo.
She: me what?
Me: you teach me english lo.
She: ur head.
Me: my status is about you again.
She: cus u miss me.
Me: me?
She: just admit lo.
Me: ya la. i miss u la.
She: I miss you too.

那时我真的很开心，感觉受宠若金。可是我每次都很努力的说，不可能啦，我们才认识不到一个月，哪里可能，朋友开玩笑罢了啦。

还记得前阵子母情节我做给母亲的影片吗？其实，她是那位inspire我的人。因为我在想着的时候她说说了。

她每次叫我和我喜欢的人告白（她），我都说好的，我会告诉她。我就说不如母亲节的时候，我带你回家见我妈妈？当着礼物。她惊讶。我说开玩笑。她说，她比较希望是认真多过玩笑的。

这件事过后我们的信息变得冷了一点。几个小时里只说了一些客套话。然后我说我梦见了她
She: u so miss me meh?
Me: friend de miss gua..
然后她说了一些话。那个时候我真的，毛孔站起来。她说，告诉你，其实有时，我也是会想你。可是你的想应该是想朋友啦，你也应该会想起它女生的。当你回学校的时候。

终于，2014年 5月 17日。我回到了学校。便约了她出来见见。

第一次见， 那一幕还是很清晰，坐在block E 前面的栏杆，等着她，她出现，走过来。好美，好美。她羞涩的望着地下，我便随口问她，为什么一直看地下啊，我又不恐怖，看一下我不会死的。鸡蛋糕，她真的看了我一下。

见面后，我们变得更熟悉了。之后我便得知，她为什么不熟悉宿舍的环境是因为她来自一个家境比较好的家庭，她真人真的很好看，比照片好看很多，她又有着无比的上进心，她也盼望未来的到来。过后，我们聊想去的国家，她要和她的另一半去法国巴黎，丹麦，西班牙等。我说我喜欢哈尔滨，大峡谷，马尔代夫，就算是单身，我也一定会去。她还叫我快快找个女生一起去呀。我说，你就是我认识的女生。她回道，如果你是认真的，我可以考虑。我‘你不要又再玩弄我了啦’。这几天，她都和我聊她未来的事情，真的，我没有想过会有一个女生和我聊，她要几时结婚，她和她未来的另一半的未来大概希望是如何。她说她喜欢会拍照的男生，我说我喜欢艺术，但不精通摄影，可以学。她就说希望她有一个会摄影的另一半，可以拍下他们的一切给他们的小孩看。我们也聊着想要怎样的婚礼，蜜月地点。真的很白痴。过后就说她的senior也很会拍照，选他嘛。她说不要。接着说不要想那些婚礼的事，忘了吧。

我们每天都说一些有的没有的。可是我们都不知道大家都喜欢对方。我们都会以，怎样说呢，就是：她会叫我，记得这些事要告诉我现在喜欢的那个人，帮她问好那样，她不知道我喜欢她。我也不知道她喜欢我。我就每次逗她说去找那男的。我们都会帮彼此追那个对象可是都不知道我们的对象就只是我们。好笑吧。

直到2014年 5月 20日， 我们谈到一些未来的事情，却达成共识，觉得，我们还是永远保持朋友关系吧。她会和她喜欢的那个人更进一步，而我也会追我喜欢的，（其实都是彼此啦，就我坏不承认，怕她拒绝，而且她一直说那个senior对她多好）然后她会去英国，我会去美国。然后我们聊得越来越悲哀那样。感觉真的很心痛。莫名其妙的可惜。顶不顺直接call她，叫她出来见面，就算最后一次，也没关系。那时是晚上。

我们走到游泳池上那个露台那边的长凳坐下来。走着的时候都很尴尬没有说话。我们坐下来了，之间都有一个空位，过后我就坦白说其实刚刚我们的聊天里提到的，我真的很伤心，心很痛，然后我们就越坐越近。直到她坐靠在我的肩膀那，我看着她，我就没想那么多就叫她把手给我，她给我她的手变看着我，我二话不说亲了她额头一下说，你就是我的女人。我不想你和别人走。我们所聊的，我们来完成，不要别人。她开心地笑着。我的初吻之后就没了。她问我，为什么不是五20时告诉她，我开玩笑说全世界都520啊，不闷吗？我就要和你在521时在一起，容易记。哈哈。就因为这个容易记，我就记到了现在2015年，那个时候是凌晨1点53分我们在一起。

第二天早上，也就522， 我们开心地说早安，然后上课，快快上完课，就见面，就去找她，一起做assignment,讨论跟互相学习。做到一半休息时就聊到，我问她什么时候想嫁人了我娶你。她说她还没有想到，我说我也是。但她希望在26岁-27岁时结婚。至于生孩子，她还没准备好。她说，她知道我喜欢小孩。她说她不是不喜欢小孩，她只是怕小孩子哭，我说没事，我来逗。然后就聊到如果结婚，该去哪里。哈哈。真的。18岁时的我们，很夸，很难得。

之后的我们，就一如往常的好，也像普通情侣那样，天天见，天天聊，天天一起做功课，我们都很粘对方，最夸张是同时用viber,cubie,facebook和skype同时聊天，每20秒一封信。甚至于朋友天天洗我，重色轻友。那时候我知道过后也很难认识朋友了，所以很努力维系两方感情。

我们偶尔会吵架，可是很快就好。有一次越好一起出街。很开心。那个时候我是第一次和她搭公共交通出去。我还很记得那些映像。

6月 17日 晚上
这个时候我参加了cc8，我是sponsorship的，比较得空一开始，可是camp rules 说尽量不要用电话，不希望小孩子们来玩电话。过后又被叫去帮qm, 我一天就比较少信息她了。到这一天的晚宴，她问我为什么迟回复她，我说我和别人留着电话号码。
She: got know any girls from this camp?
Me: got, many, but they got boyfriends.
She: kalau no bf de you go liao lor?
Me: ya gua..haha
She:......
Me: hahaha
She: funny?
Me: why?
She: dun make fun with me as u know i will jealous n yet u still act nothing.
Me: dem...
She: fine then..
Me: Cannot meh? :P (i forget to tell her actually im in my job so i tot she is really nothing so just tease her)
She: like or no like up to u! I jealous lo! Makan cuka n u still nothing, u like them is it?
(and actually the camp, i mean the place that i incharge no girls, all men, strong muscular men = =)
Me: I no like them la.. sorry la, if i say something wrong, i two days no sleep ady, 乱乱说话, sorry a. dun keep in heart, i go sleep now. chat with you tomorrow morning.

6月 18日 早上

正当我要信息她时，她信息我，问我为什么没有上线。i no online because later i online but away from keyboard then you text me, and i late reply you bo happy. so i put offline first.

She: 为何你整个人变到很讨厌这样，我都没说你什么 u dun wan on,is up to u,i not k also,i just asking oni.
Me: maybe i too fatigue until i like that. i really didnt mean anything.
She: tat one not the reason ok?u urself oni know wat happened! dun try to hurt me,thx!
Me: what la, i really didnt mean anything, and i wont hurt you. you dun keep thinking the bad things.
She: sometime,when u talk,do think the effect first...im nt kidding. i reli dunno when a person is reli tired,he can talk until he dunno what he talk?
Me: I thought you know me ma. I know what im talking, maybe just dunno how to express (clearly).
She: u have to know, ur pattern keep on changing, idk u well btw. like ytd wat u said i rly pekcek. i will endure i tell u.
Me: sometimes i really dunno what im doing (tired of explaining, really few days no sleep well)
She: im very tired dy.
Me: we want a stable relationship.
She: i dun wan keep guessing what u think, i really tired.
Me: everything is very easy, nothing is complicated, u keep think complicated way only, i have nothing for you to guess also.
She: i din,n i dun plan to make it complicated,let end it easy,sorry.
Me: What? what happening now? you dunwan me dy???? halo?
She: i think i dunwan to be tired anymore, let u be free better.

we getting aggressive.

Me: so, im letting u tired all the time? actually...
She: no, u r not.
Me: u din enjoyed once?
She: I enjoyed every moment.
Me: I didnt brought you the happiness?
She: im tired to know someone that i loved but dunno his character.
Me: so how? now how?
She: I have to end it. u go find someone that can know u better. btr than me, a girl who is polite and don say rude words.
Me:why
y
y
y
y
y
y
y
y
y
why????????
(then i started to blame myself)
She: dun like that k? im not good.
Me: i hope i would feel better.
She: dun hurt urself
Me: u are better than me.
She: ily (fullform)
Me: or u just want some space to think only?
She: that nothing wrong with me, just me, my problem.

Then, the entire conversation gone very sorrow. Everytime i flash back also. very hurtful. 3 years already 3 years. I cannot forget this fkin conversation. She said she enjoyed our relationship and we both deeply in love. I wish i wont cry , i said. She then said she dun plan to end it. But that time really hurtful. I dont know how other people think on me, but that time im really fatigue, after 3 days nonstop preparing the beds tables etc for the kids didnt sleep well for three days, i just hope when i got back she would or might say something good, but she said to end it, then i really dunno what to react i told her, alright, we would be best friends for now. Then she say she dunwan be friend. Then we promise if 26/27 years old both still havent marry or still single, we would get together. Then she say, no friend, dunwan be friend, she just lied about the breaking up thingy. To be honest, (this one i never tell ppl before) that time i really hurt. Almost cannot absorb everything she then said. Just few days before this, a friend of mine said that his ex always use break up to lie him to get his attention, then every break up he cry very gaolat, then he say, if a girl really loves you she shouldnt use break up just to get attention. ngam ngam i face this, i didnt know this is a trial. She then really said, the break up she just simply spit it out so that i could be more attentive towards her but i didnt yet turned away from her. she cried, i cried. thickest barrier is formed between us out of a sudden. when i say i cried, i did cried. we both cried. everytime i walked passed the corridor we used to hang out, the bus the ktm the places we've been hanging out, we cried.

Both of us planned that both of us are the life partners for each other. But just a lot of contradiction popped out suddenly like no tomorrow. I wanted to go back to her, she said no. She wanted me to go back, i ignored.. (now, WTF). Asked her to mean to me, she said no, she said i have to adapt the life without her, yet wished me all the best forgetting her. (now.. WTF)..Then i was scolded, 'You are the one who say wants to be friend, you dun talk to me about this anymore, i just fulfil what u wish'. (now..wtf, if only i could be a bit gentleman that time?,might be different?,might forgive the phrase 'break up is just to get attention'?, to be honest, what really hurt me is not that, but is just said by someone i really deeply in loved, when i never really ignore, i just couldnt accept someone i loved would use ending the relationship as a reason to get attention, i just cant, somemore with the case experienced by my friend, if she want space to think i can accept, but ending the relationship, shit just got real man)

I say, i will wait her. She said no need to wait her. Then few days later, she say she will wait me. Then few weeks later, she is no longer single but with someone else. I am still okay. i believe, she will be back. So at that time, she has relationship problem with that guy, we will still sit down and talk about that. we are as good as before just no carry hand or hugging like that. a pair of love birds but separated by the bars of a cage. I never tell anyone or her. I really hurt everytime she finds me talk about her current boyfriend. Even my best buddy go after, and she almost fall for him. WTF. through my introduce before. WTF. But i understand her so much and my best buddy so much. I tried my best to prevent both of them together, i dont mind her to go with other guys but, this my friend whom i understand what his purpose i just couldnt allow her to be hurt again. A lot of things happen within the period.

We just broke up few weeks later, she was in a relationship. two weeks later another. I don't know why, but i really hurt, still pretend, it is okay. until one day i really beh tahan. i say, i will be back when you really living happily ever after with another guy. she hope i could get the best woman in my life when she is the one but we both said the samething to each other. (this relationship is actually started and ended in a month plus like that, but it is like years for me. a lot of days, and the conversation above, a lot is just within one day, you can see how frequent we talk to each other, it is just like already living right next to each other, that is why it is so momentous for me, i dont know her but for me yes) then sometimes she say she will wait me again. sometimes ask me no need to wait her again. it happens always, again and again. and both of us, i dunno why but maybe like face or self-ego keep ask each other, if want love other ppl just go ahead. fk.

One month, i could not reach her. Her senior who really likes her came and told me, or scolded me. said. Do you know she very sad because of you, she hate to eat food. after both of u break up, she became thin a lot. everytime she eat things, she 扣喉 then vomit, then everytime she eat she then vomit. Her parents dunno anything, but also very samtong. even her sisters, they all very hate you, simson. he say, 她这个千金小姐放下身段为了你，她很现实的可是为了你什么都可以不理，她长的美，又读书厉害，也能为了你。我曾经有一度不满，是不是因为她是女生？男生难过自己啃，不说，忍着。This senior even warned me not to find her anymore. But i really love her.. 那不满的事就忘了..trying my best to reach her again. but still cant. 我们两个在彼此的前面都总是爱逞强。

从那次开始我就开始找借口责怪自己，不够大方，可是仍然记得那时的山盟海誓，不管如何我一定会等到那一天，她结婚还是什么男未婚女未嫁的时候。就此消极起来。堕落了。堕落到一个地步我真的忘了我是谁。开始不去上课，找借口拿多多event,不去考试，做了很多很不理智的决定。从此不再去幻想还是梦想还是妄想什么。什么都是屁。玩game最实际。参加很多event让我至少有一个photoshop可以陪伴我。不是她的问题，是自己的心结。只是这心结让我不小心堕落到我忘了我该做什么。

她不知道我过得如何，我也不知道她过得怎样。

直到，8月1日，不绅士的我不想再看她和别的男生，就把她unfriend了，她不知道就过来骂我，我说为了大家好。她就如同我做初一她做十五那样的在面子书写了我的大名来指骂。过后我遭人吐槽。说，你不珍惜友情，我也一样。

9月 26日，她的旧号码我联络上了，她慢慢开了面子书，我很开心可以继续和她讲话，但都是客套话。我们之后也再学校碰面。她很开心，我和她聊一下，她走开了一下，我便走了。update 了一个status, 我忘了写什么。 她突然pm我，你会生气吗？我不明白。她说，待你的方式。噢，你是指那个status啊，别想多啦，不是写你 ^^....问我为什么刚刚那么快走。我没有告诉她其实我真的不想走，可是，就是讲到- 没有啦，反正刚刚有fog，你也会回房间啦，然后你又在讲电话吗，我就走先咯。她说，她相信我，也希望我支持她做的每个决定。嗯。而就在当天晚上，她上传了一张她抱着一位男生的照片，可是脸挡着了。吃醋还是什么一定有啦。一是因为，我们在一起，照片不多，最好看的那一张，现在已经过期了，download不到了。（连facebook都不给我看她了）。二来，那男的不是我。是分手后她第二个男生。

那张照片后，我们越来越冷淡了。可是她仍然不忘叫我补习，改我的坏习惯。说之前大家都不成熟，才会那样，现在得一起学习成熟起来了。她对我的感觉变了，我假装说我也是。她有喜欢的人了。也有很喜欢她的人了。不是我。每次和她聊天，她很认真的谈着，我却尽量夸张的使用嘻皮笑脸的符号。

10月 4日 几天后就是她的生日了。她说她想找人聊天罢了。我们就约出去见面谈天了。她想吃糖，我去买，说不要，还是买了。

过后几天我们都有聊天。她每次叫我打包，我真的很开心还能做点什么事，至少可以见见。

10月 9日 她生日。我之前去买了礼物，可是没有带给她。然后无意间看到她和别人庆生。我那时不知道原来那个男生也有在那里。我之前有句话我很想对她说。可是，那天之后，她问我想说什么，我却觉得不想打扰别人，就说真的没事了。也留着那礼物，可以拆的拆，可以吃的吃，可以抛的抛。

我真的和喜欢她叫我全名。很喜欢。我不明白为什么之前的我天天说话说一半，为什么不把剩下的那几句说完我现在就会好过一些，为什么！！不过，都3年了。

之后，我在foundation, 遇到了她的一个以前的classmate，然后我们刚好有同一个gns event, 然后前一天我找她的时候这个朋友刚好有在，第二天，我就和她这个朋友一起去一个event见管理人，那人就随口问了我关于她的东西，我就说了咯。当然说些好的东西啊。我不会让别人说她的坏话的。怎知道，从这个event回来后，这人就走去和她说我们的聊天。她第二天中午一点来警告我。 用律师的口气说，我警告你不要侵犯我的隐私权，为什么你告诉别人你和我的事。我说我没有说什么啊，就很表面的东西。我们又不懂如何地吵了起来。漏口地说了一句，你可以不要再幼稚了吗？一发不可收拾。她回，你才幼稚！这4个字，也就是最后一句我收到的话了。

就这样，她block了我。完完全全地。她，换了号码。不久之后，我从朋友的account看到她公开她和那个男的了。我不知道是不是因为之前我们没有公开却影响感情，而这一次她公开了。嗯。我就再也不知道她如何了。

2013 年里，我在那么小的inti也只遇到她4 次。而是每隔两三个月一次。每次遇到，都是很戏剧化的。不可理喻。记得有一次，我按钱，转身她就在后面。都做了同一个动作，望反方向。另外有两次，就是inti的那个桥，我走上桥回宿舍，她从桥上的另一端走过来，而这时，周围真的没有人，就只有我们两个在桥上擦肩而过，也都看了一眼就望别方去。过后，差不多2014年头，我不知道她有没有毕业了，可是每次走过我们走过的走廊，我都没有忘记过，而恰恰有几次street event我都遇到了她，我不知道为什么每次在人海之中都能看到矮小的她，可是她的前面总有一位男士牵着她了。我每过3 4 个月都会找一位朋友，借他的facebook来看看她的境况。她越来越美了咯，可是我还是喜欢那个她。他们两个过得很幸福，男的又帅，和她又配，他们常常去旅行。2014年中我没读书了。有一次回去找朋友，在火车时看着那个位置，我们以前坐的，微笑起来，开玩笑地说，我和她会不会真的很戏剧到等下下火车时，她上火车啊？哈哈。然后我就去巴士站等朋友来载。看着这么多的车辆经过。过后不知为什么很像感觉什么似的就望了过去，鸡蛋糕竟然真的看到她坐她男朋友车来到火车站。她应该没看到我吧，没关系。她开心就好。


嗯。3年了。这么快就3年了。在她之后啊，我喜欢几位女生，但不管如何都只有喜欢，连酒后真言都说喜欢。嗯。3年了。 发生了很多事。可是感觉全部都连接着的。

早前我去接受上帝时，有个aunty帮我pray说我心里有刺而且很痛，那个时候我不明白是什么。而接受上帝前，牧师说了我们要放下心头大石我们才能前进，那个时候我也还不知道那是什么刺。但比较好受。直到前几天，我不知为何，想看看我之前的信息。有很多次我想开开这17583封message时，scroll到16000++封时，都会hang掉，browser直接crash。而这一天，我小声地祷告，说，亲爱的主耶稣，希望你这一次给我scroll到第一封，我真的很想看到底发生了什么事，到底少了那一点。就这样，我重新读完了。有不同的看法和感慨。我真的很感谢上帝，给我寻找那根刺，也就等于是时候面对这根刺了。以前很多东西拿出来说我，我很明确知道这些都不是刺，而，这根刺就是真正锁在心头下那逝去的春天。

现在她完完全全地block了我，我真的一丁点她的消息都没有了。没关系。我只希望她和现任真的天长地久。虽然我还有那小小的念头，我不介意有一天不小心去到她们的结婚典礼。哈哈。在此，我感谢山姆在她需要陪伴的时候出现，和她在一起。你们俩珍重。

在不同的年龄看同一件事的时候都有不同的看法。此事没有对和错。是，真的会有遗憾。可是都三年了。我相信上帝给我自己在这个时候面对这个问题，就代表祂相信我会怎么做。

她很美，我们在一起的时光，短暂却幸福。

这篇完整版，终于见世面了。哈哈。这根跟了我3年的刺也，终于抽出来了。感觉很像有一部分的灵魂回来了lol。慢慢适应。真的好多了。真的很感激上帝。现在看回去，我没有想到原来这女孩介绍上帝给我认识。她也给了我很的多回忆，都是好的。她也教会了我很多事。

很久没有用那么长的时间去打一篇文章。不过，是值得的。

我很开心，真的很开心。
和这已逝去的春天说再见，也迎接另一光明的前程。


写着写着，发现，这里是起点，也是终点。

Goodbye. 又耳小姐。

Regret

一辈子不长不短，每天都在认识新朋友。

过了那么多天，那么多年，现在回头看看，说真的，还是幼儿园小学中学的朋友比较好。

这段时间，我真的有很多话很想说，可是facebook不再是一个人的页面了，也没有必要再上传任何的境况。然后回到现实生活，也不能完全地诠释出来。一言难尽啊。有时来到blog，也懒惰大字，曾想用soundcloud录几句想说的话，又怪怪，哈哈，说得有点乱。

这篇纯粹想抒发情绪。

幼儿园啊，小学啊，中学啊，认识的人比较好，或许是因为一起经历的东西比较多，然后久久来个gathering。愚蠢的自己曾经想过啊，应该谁也记不得谁了。其实都没有，还比近期认识的人好几倍。

损友啊~ 多的是~ 可惜的就是无能的自己会受他人影响，与他人做了经历了某些事，然后此事就变成了一个离不开的话题，一个紧握的把柄，捆绑着。不管我几努力摆脱那个话题，那些人还是一样。唉，感叹。交不交损友没关系，关系是你能不能坚决地了解自己的方向？

this one i use english write i think is a lot easier, i lazy type pinyin. just want to 放肆 myself using some 'words' as i dont usually use but this time i really beh tahan. i really really really sad n dulan. remembering the first day i reached uni and i met a guy, we then became best friends who understand each other, when you put a lot effort on some people/friend, then almost ignore those who are really good to you, and at the end of the day, they left, leave never mind, but without any information which is the most frustrating moment. at some point in this journey, i really think that friends are fake, we dont need friends in life, all are bullshits. ok, then realized its something that we need to go through, is ok. 说起来还真惭愧，那些你把他们当朋友但是并不是最好的，竟然会比那些很好很好的朋友好更多，他们对你不离不弃。至今我真的，领悟了某些道理，还记得我的朋友我真的会好好照顾，不是说什么，可是就对等吧，我不知道怎么说。then the ex-best friend, i quite speechless sia, but forget it. if im going to say it realistically, then i should say, i dont gv him any benefit, neither is he. so, no point staying there keep begging a friend to talk to you. that's fine. forget it. i've done what a friend should do. ok next, you always think that this guy is really potential, and you try to be very honorable or helpful then introduce this folk to someone else as you hope he deserve any chances as you have, then you never know this people will stab you from behind, he might think that its not a big matter but it is damn hurt. Most of the time, I'm not really being myself, other than the time when im with old friends (kindergarten/primary/secondary school). Then, if they see i being fooled,, they happy, they laughed, ok la understood, i will just keep being fooled. but human is very suay de lo, they will keep flame you without limit because you ok with that ma, is my own problem then. I really dont know la, at some point i really beh tahan and really rage dy. U see me always talk to people macam good to solve people's problem, give them advices, but sometime i really wish i could have someone that i can really talk to. Then, in reality, aint nobody got that fo dat. sometimes i really wish i could be mean, at least mean a bit than usual. We're stupid, we allow other people to bully us. lol. joke. then, people are suay, really suay. i regret. i really regret to know these few people. but all these has passed. referring to a status that i updated recently in facebook, is somehow related to friendships and the things we've gone through. 我已经对这4年来认识的某些朋友死心了 aiya,  jiu shi very dulan lo. the challenging part is that you need to keep endure endure and endure, we reap what we sow. It's their mouth their hand, i cant change them, cant control them, is ok, just control ourselves not to do it anymore. NO. NEVER! NO MORE! I WONT DO ALL THESE THINGS ANYMORE! trust me, after those people read this post (if they read), they will ddly agn. xi guan jiu hao.. sometimes i really dulan until the bad side of me come out, then tell myself, yes, i have no credits to fight with them now, so one day i will make them regret... Luckily, with Him in me, i'm able to calm myself not to deal with them the same way they did if not i will be same as them. they think is fun, to do it, ok, continue ba u guys, i have no enough time for myself so why care of you. ah, feel better vomit all these words out. dont do wrong things, the trace is always there, people will dig it out no matter how old you are, this is what i regret. but is ok, i not scare of it. everyone has a passed, I have repent. and will never do it again. Regret is a big shit. dont do something you will regret.


Rage post done, now the happy part. So happy to have gathering with highschool friends again, is good to see everyone become lengzai lenglui then all very good in their studies. after all these disturbance, i would rather spend my time even more on old friends than those folks. new people. some new people. really enjoyed spending time at friend's bday party then he helped me gone through some questions which i wondered for quite some time and gathered with form 5 same class de friends, long time no laugh dao stomachache and speak loudly till almost no voice haha. looking forward for more old friends gathering.

选择朋友重要，选择走的路更重要

It Has Comes To An End

I've been questioning myself all the time, What am I doing and what I have done at the age of 20? How about others?

Most of my friends, they achieved real good results academically or in co-curricular activities and traveled around having pleasant moments. Some of them are done with studies, having stable financial status or built up their own business.



How about me? I don't know. I just know I risk myself a lot.

I'm 20. I'm a school dropout. I spent 2 years having no achievement in academic, yet failing the entire course then got withdrew from the university.

I'm 20. I used to webcam with strangers, male or female, for friends, ended up got tricked and blackmailed for 500 USD as they recorded me and edited me into a disgraceful video.

I'm 20. The money I spent in cybercafes and games able to cover 1 and a half or two semesters' course fees, i think.

I'm 20. The time that I wasted staying awake in the midnight doing nothing, emo, daydreaming, gaming, net-surfing, might able help me to generate wealth.

I'm 20. I am still not sure about my future, how I'm going to compete without a certificate, without any skills.




I'm a bad role for the young ones. Yeah, I think it is a really negative lifestyle that no one will teach the younger generations.

Recall back in time, when the Head of Programme told me that I'm not suitable for these courses, informing that I need to leave right after that day as my quota has finished, to be honest, I feel nothing at that time. What in my mind was, leave then leave lo, i am that stupid i know a, you think i want a? Then I left.



Lots of things happened in this 4 months.


Now, I am glad that I used to have that kind of mindset or experiences which differ myself from the crowd.

Yet I am still unsure about my future, but no worries, we spent the entire life seeking who we are and only find out when we're going into the coffin. So just live life fullest. I believe many has listen or read a lot of inspiring quotes or stories, but how many really apply them in life? You, yourself know.  To be honest, i read some, i bookmarked them, so? I'm so eager to make changes of myself but never done it. I'm still in comfort zone. But after these days, I dont know if I have change my point of views but I know I have ambitions.


Since my past 2 years have been slightly different from the other same age people, I'm going to continue to be different from today onward. Now I say so much, those who know me may say, "cheh, last time he said this also, he very fast go back to the same pattern one la". Haha, I also can't confirm. I just know I have no choice but to strive slightly harder than usual because I have no proper academic certifications, by thinking out of the box or even more. Surprisingly, I enjoyed reading and learning new random stuffs nowadays, I couldn't believe also. Maybe this is the power of ambition/dream.

20 years old is now a number for me and I decided to make an end for it. I think, today is the day. Today is the day for me to stop being a teenager. I had spent so much time enjoying my teenage life and is enough! It is enough of fun! I just get rid of those who pulling me from moving forward day by day and today I just did something I couldn't do before, which is uninstalling Dota 2, a game which I played since primary 3. This time, is for my future not my temporary off from exams or others. It is enough. Good bye, the old Simson. We will never meet again. (is not only for gaming of course, with other aspects)

I might be slow, but is ok as I am not standing still.



This life would be harsh, but I know I'll enjoy. This is an output battle. I have no fear.



I would give all the glory to the Lord as He gives me opportunities in exposing myself in these occasions, yet providing me strength to move forward to inspire or to be inspired.

I want to represent an idea. I want my life, I want my work to mean something, I want the world to be better because I was here.

Former's Rage

I remembered I joined the interview session of INTI's Community Service Camp, and I got rejected at the 2nd phase. I am surprised and had strong curiosity to find out why I am rejected from the camp, so I approached to management team of the event. I requested a reply for them but they failed to reply me as they mentioned that it is their rules and regulations, so they are unable to tell me. I am frustrated with the act and told them ''I don't mind meeting all of you, if you (head) don't have the time to tell me, I just want to find out why". I had this strong burning desire to know why I am rejected when I passionately told one of them that I have something to achieve in that camp, a position. I've been keeping this so-called secret for 2 years. Frankly speaking, I am really disappointed of that fixed-minded-rules-and-regulations and frustrated that they didn't tell me the main reasons, when I am willing to change so that I am able to join the next recruitment.

    All I wanted to say is, yes. I am frustrated at first, but now I understand that point. Someone told me, I am rejected because of I am over-confidence. I asked why, he/she did not reply, stated that it is a secret. Is okay. I got it now. I accept the critics given from you all, and I forgive you guys although never reveal the main issues to me by yourself. I just hope that it doesn't happen again, and I guess it will never happen again, people nowadays get rejected and let it be, never try to find out why. I am struggling finding out why Over-Confidence is a negative point for me. Isn't that a good thing for someone to be confident? Is really unacceptable at the years. But thank you, Lord, leading me through this void.

While there are many reasons for failure, here are five of the most common ones and there is a point which I want to share regarding this whole essay. Now, I am going to explain why being Over-Confident is a negative thing. I've seen some passionate freshmen joined events, striving their very best in order to achieve something really WOW the public. Being confident is good, but not Over-Confidence.I am not someone really experienced in events, not someone really great, not a well-known person but I shared a point with someone I really hope that he/she would make a series of revolution by being a humble and benevolence leader and I think it not gonna happen as his/her demonic side is overpowering his/her real self. I joined a discipleship lessons few days ago and surprisingly found the answer I wish to know for since 2 years ago. Now remember the lesson of the whale --- just when you get to the top and start to blow, you get harpooned! I am being spiritual here because it stated clearly and true, Proverb 16:18 says, "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." Paul also wrote, "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!" (1 Corinthians 10:12).
       
         Sometimes we act as though we have "arrived" when deep down we know we are far from it. Part of our problem is the fear of looking like a fool, of being humiliated. An article in a Chicago newspaper reported that the most frequently shoplifted item in America's drugstores is Preparation H, a cream for people suffering with hemorrhoids. Apparently, many are embarrassed to admit thhey have that physical problem, so they prefer to steal the cream rather than face humiliation at the checkout line. This is pride.

I believe very few people will truly understand this 2 paragraphs, this is because you never learn with empty bottle. I would like to congratulate those who understand them. Before sharing the other 4 reasons, I would like to say that there are a lot of people refuse to admit that they are proud, you may know that they aren't proud from words, but let me teach you how to see. Their behaviors are mostly similar as I've been through that stage. They refuse to listen to others' advice, overpowering the entire situation, thinking that they are very great in handling problems, see things based on the cover, their usage of words are mostly ''I & Me".

God is a planner. He sets things in motion based on His infinite foresight and wisdom. We also need to plan ahead. Remember, Noah began building the ark long before it started to rain. The old saying - that if you fail to plan then you are planning to fail - holds true. Proverbs 27:12 reminds us of the same truth, "A sensible man watches for problems ahead and prepares to meet them" (The Living Bible). If you and I do not have a plan for our lives, somebody else will. If we are unwilling to make decisions, somebody will make decisions for us.   For this reason, I believe many people will truly said that "Cheh, I know la" Yes, you know, do you ever apply? Once, I am same like those people outside, people like you thinking that experienced people very annoying as they keep point out the problems, we need to thank them actually because they see what others don't see, giving us a chance to know that there will be holes ahead, aren't we need to be thankful to them? I backstabbed these people, saying their bad things behind, but now I feel thankful, Thank you guys so much, please forgive me. Take every single advice seriously and try to look further, this is not being negative but being realistic enough to face problems as a grown-up, because we fall before.

We will talk about fear. The fear of failure can also cause failure. When we worry about what others will think of us if we fail, we may not even attempt to do something challenging. Proverbs 29:25 says, "Fear of man will prove to be a snare." One way I have encouraged myself to try new things is to tell myself that I am allowed to make one mistake a week - as long as it is not the same mistake over and over! This is actually linked with the other reasons stated. Just recall, there are people around us are experienced enough to share things with us, but minority of them actually gave a lot of advice but unable to make a breakthrough, it isn't that they are not able to breakthrough is just that they are afraid, we shall not blame them, but encourage them, by taking their advice, and plan to face all the circumstances ahead yet help them to build up their self-esteem. I am so sorry again that I actually blamed someone for being such negatives, influenced me to be as negative as him/her, because I also never see things clearly, never know whose bitter roots acting as their bondage. I truly understand that non-stop failures lead to depressions and negative thinking, so come on my friend, if you are a realistic person, just think that Albert Einstein failed  how many times to be success before, I am giving this example because I afraid you give an excuse for yourself that I am being too not realistic. And if you are someone not-realistic, just imagine that the diamonds are just right in front of you, you might dig very hard, and faced a lot of barriers, why give up? Just one more metre and you will reach the diamonds.

Often, victory is nearby, but we give up too soon. The prophet Daniel tells of a time when he prayed for days and days without getting an answer to his petition. Then one day, in a vision, he saw a mighty angel who told him, "Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them" (Daniel 10:12). Although God had heard Daniel's prayer and had dispatched an angel immediately, the angel was delayed twenty-one days due o a great spiritual battle. What would have happened if Daniel had stopped praying on the tenth day, or the fifteenth day or the twentieth day? These aren't just stories and spiritual things, but truly able to relate to our daily life. I wasn't a spiritual person before, thinking everything could go smoothly and under-control just by myself, but at the end I messed up everything, yes things look good in front that's why you never think that I faced these problems. This is like the diamond story I shared above, and there's a recommendation, a book named "Acres of Diamonds'' will truly help you to gain further understanding regarding this topic.

Last but not least, another reason for failure is ignoring God's Advice. The Bible is the owner's manual for human beings. It contains operating instructions and guidelines for work, home, finances, relationships, and health. It has the best advice in the world. When we consistently and stubbornly fail to follow God's directions, we will suffer negative consequences. Proverbs 14:12 says, "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." We may try hard to be a success, but we sabotage our own efforts by not doing things God's way.. Remember what James wrote, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all" (James 1:5). Trust me, it really works. I was once a free thinker like most of young people nowadays, but it is true, ask God and He will gives.

The main objectives I typed all these are not to share how spiritual I am, how great I could be, but to educate and share some thoughts which I think they may help a lot of people out there, who not just focus in events, and in their studies, or even daily life too.

Good Luck.

 

Invincible

Imagine a time,

When everything was absolutely right.

When we were actually looking forward to wake up the next day.

When we felt peace that everything going to be alright.

When we woke up in the morning and realize its reality.

When all of a sudden our dream, hope and strength are gone forever.

All we need is some normality to fight for the finality.

We tried not to think 'why'. 

But that life has said bye.

Why wouldn't you stop cryin'

Face the world without hatin'

Our film should be rollin'

Left that bed and crawlin'

Reach out and the life will begin.

Just when we thought we have nothing to lose.

We do.

Sometimes life just isn't fair,

Especially when people don't care.

Why things have to be this way.

Life is so unfair, with the misery we can't even bear.

These was a feeling where no one would share.

But something must be declared.

Ye shall find a new way, when stallion charge like red hare.

For some moments we layed back to snooze.

Wondering what should we choose.

Smokin' like a roasted goose; or,

Gallop like the mighty moose.

Then all of a sudden you heard someone callin'

Not to give up, you're worth so much more.

With this glimmer of hope,

Loads of shit we able to cope.

Cherish the inspirations, with exceptional actions.

Visions without execution are just hallucinations.

Strong faith lies in miracles, when other laughs like hysterical.

Make it either mythical or even historical.

At this moment, we able to strive,

with the answer of 'why'.

Spread your wings and ye shall find.

Soar like an eagle, in the clear blue skies.

Clearing your mind and what was life?

Take this strength and do apply.

Stories appeared in our eyes.

Lessons are learnt in this flight.

'Try', is the core of life.

............................................................................

All the living things have similar stories. Where we begin, and where we end. 

What's our life goal? To gain longevity? To have prosperous life? No.

Death is the end of every living things. Nothing to fear. 

But there's something we should really worry about.

Do we have enough of time to do what we want to do? No one knows.

There are a few tracks which taught me some life lessons, which I would like to share.

Some teenagers nowadays are into those clubbing music right? I noticed that club music aren't just for entertainment or to relieve our stress. They taught us lessons too. As an example, Krewella taught me to 'Enjoy The Ride', then I started to think, what this title means? Some may think that 'oh, let's enjoy the ride, that's fun, that's what should we spend for entertainment.' We should look even deeper than others. Life is a ride, we should truly enjoy it. But at the end of the day, I know I couldn't change others' minds, different people have different interpretations. Eminem is my idol. Not the way he raps. But is the lyrics he wrote. Well, in short, 'Lighters' sang by Bad Meets Evil ft. Bruno Mars, tell us about the struggle to pursue the dreams. Everyone must have their own dreams, but it's only those struggling to pursue their dreams who will finally get to where they want. Eminem has very high motivation for him to pursue his dream, in 'Lighters', his lines show that his dream is to be a king. He loves rap music so much, and saw the opportunity in this music, when he said 'This rap game's nipple is mine for milking.' He even swore to God that he will be really illness in this music, and now he's the king of rap, even the Rap God. He has accomplished his dream. How does that happen? With struggle, of course. 

What these experiences taught me? I guess I'm near to invincible. I have a dream. I don't like when people said that they don't believe that this/that will happen or even said that is will be impossible/very very hard to reach, when I propose an idea, a small part of my dream. But no matter how hard it is, I will fight for you, give my life to you, and I will got you by myside. And if they knock us like a wrecking ball, we'll get up and walk right through these walls. 

Cause... We Are Invincible. 

简单的事

夜晚，是烦恼的结束。

看着雨，听着雨声，好想它能为我带来点什么？想它为我带来什么呢？远方搞笑短信熟悉的声音？还是近处陌生的响声？

不知不觉又走到熟悉的巷子，
慢慢浮现清晰的往事。

很多事情都是很简单的事，只是有时我们没有勇气去证实。

这几个月里，我每天都在寻找那edit blog的感觉，怎样都找不到，到不了。 或许今夜心血来潮，灵感来到。那就好好珍惜这段时间，完全投入这里，希望能在中午前完成吧 :)

回想起2012 年 1 月 3 日...

第一天踏入Inti,我是怎样的呢？我什么都不会，谁都不认识。带着厚厚的脸皮去和floormates们问好，路上遇到人就握手自我介绍。 第一次班就认识到了一位好友， 我们的时间表又一模一样，就这样天天一起去上课。然后呢？住在对面的好友看起来蛮凶狠的，但日子久了并不是，而且特别和蔼可亲。透过他们再透过ole,认识到了更多人，认识了亲爱的dr.lim，认识了很多很多杰出的学哥学姐。过不久后，加入种种活动as helper, faci, committee, participant啦，认识的人也越来越不一样，做的东西也越来越不像自己。

至今，2013年10月多...

我又做了什么？我没有一个确定的答案，可是我能确定我看清了不少人情世故。虽然没别人来的成熟，但我学会了眺望更遥远的东西，做一些困难的决定。在这就快满两年的日子里，人来人往，许许多多的悲欢离合，我都面对着了。不知不觉都证实了我能够去活出自我。不再是以前那个完全依赖着别人的李世盛。

至那些已经进入社会，出国和就快毕业的朋友们，我真的很感谢你们。你们都陪伴着我长大，经历种种风险。

每次一想到你们就快毕业，我在这里认识的旧人越来越少，我自己越来越老，都会有些些伤感。真的，长大了，朋友群真的越来越狭窄了。真的很怀念啊，尤其是像这样的雨天。

哈哈，谁会记得寂寞的样子呢？这是人生其中一个部分吧，我会把你们所教我的事再转教给未来的朋友们，只是一份使命！

希望这份深刻的回忆，一起经历的这段回不去的光辉日子，会深深烙在彼此的心里。

希望在某一天，再次见面，我们都能还像年幼时一样疯癫一次 :)



去年花里逢君别,今日花开已一年；
桃花潭水深千尺,不及汪伦送我情。
人如风後入江云,情似雨馀黏地絮；
蜡烛有心还惜别,替人垂泪到天明。
今夜月明人尽望,不知秋思落谁家；
莫愁前路无知己,天下谁人不识君。



雨停了，一切都变得那么清新。太阳出来了，阳光照到小雨滴，小雨滴更纯洁。阳光照到鲜花上，鲜花更加艳艳欲滴。阳光照到青草上，草欲加清脆鲜嫩。
这就是人生。

余温

人到了晚上都是感性的动物，
会想很多事，
这种情绪不是每个人都控制得住，
轻轻的一碰就释放无数裂人心肺的故事。

你会发现，
身边都藏着些流浪诗人，
他们并不善于谈吐，
他们热爱文字音符。
随时轻吟一句情话，
随刻执笔一副情画。

哈，简单得来说，
我还没到这样的境界。
但好戏通常都在后头。

好久没有类似的机会，
远离电子世界，
抛开世俗烦恼，
品尝美味佳肴。
携手游戏人间。

这样的生活虽然不是完美的，
但总比呆在房间面对电脑好多了。

想到什么就写什么了。

简单的来说，
这几天去了马六甲，
跟以往都不一样。
以前去，
不是玩就是参观这里那里。
现在去，
不是吃就是疯癫这里那里。

还更认识了一位神棍，和一位天文学家。
大伙儿都亲近点了。

很神奇的是，我异常的少话
因为=.= 有其中一天，
不小心的特别多话，
也多话到说到不该说的东西。
鸡蛋糕，
我真的无语了=.=
可能真的正因如此，
就不说多错多=.=
现在回想第一个感觉还是没变，
无语就是无语。
真是靠北...

是嘛，就第一次，真的是啊
学到很多东西tim...

其实第一天一开始，
都没什么进入状况，
因为前一天没有睡觉，
然后就耐到凌晨了...
怪不得那么好睡，
躺在路边都能睡着...........
还多了几段空白的记忆...
原以为能向他人学习如何钓鱼，
最后怎么知道自己被拉进鱼池后，
如痴如醉地陷入不清醒状态。

读到这里，
会不会觉得整篇文章都不怎么切题？
哈哈。

余温，
这短暂的接触，
残留忘返的温度。

在人流中，我一眼就发现了你。
我不敢说你是她们中最漂亮的一个，
可是我敢说，你是她们中最出色的一个。

我不知道该怎样表达你留着的印象。
说出来也有点怪怪，
打字读出来应该好些吧，
反正没什么人看，哈哈。
有吸引力的女人并不全靠她们的美丽，
而是靠她们的漂亮，
包括风度、仪态、
言谈、举止与见识。
娉婷婉约的风姿、
娇艳俏丽的容貌、
妩媚得体的举止、
优雅大方的谈吐、

我知道读起来也是很怪。。。
但是，我想你也知道。。

一生至少有一次，
为了某人而忘了自己，
不求结果，不求同行，
不求拥有，不求回报。

一种爱，叫遥不可及。

在我进入空白记忆前，
虽然你站在很远，
灯光下闪烁的您，
那微笑，那轮廓，
闭上眼都还看得见。
在生活的面前我们还都是孩子，
曾经在某一个瞬间，
我以为自己长大了，
有一天，终于发现，
长大的含义除了欲望还有勇气和坚强，
以及某种必须的牺牲。

曾以为这些挑战都无所谓，
仍然有一种勇敢，
我做不了。

就这样，才发现从未完全长大，
因为慈悲宽容背后
藏着了懂得。

所以，我真的很白目=.=

今朝你潇洒的回首…
带走那熟悉的背影…
已深深烙印脑海里…

她很有魅力，我知道。
她有很多人关心，我知道。
她有很多追求者，我知道。
他们都很优秀很勇敢，我知道。
他们都很开放很直率，我知道。

哈哈，虽然这些我都没什么有，
但我不会自卑，
我相信我有着他们没有的。

哎哟，
神棍不愧是神棍，
虽然不怎么相信你，
但是都蛮准的，
其实不是你准，
是你手上那本书。
哈哈。

我真的不善于表达，
我也知道改不了，
我就是不会表达嘛，
但是我很开心我还是我。
嘿嘿。

说真的，
听他们说，
你们十指紧扣时，
感觉就像从天堂堕下地狱。
马的，吃醋，凭什么啊。
静静地，静静地，消化.......

说真的，
虽然没什么和她说到话，
但是我真的真的很开心。

走路走得慢，跟不上步伐，
就能说是拥抱背影的理由。
啊哈哈哈哈哈。
屁话。
=.=

旅游就是这样的吗，
用心感受，用心探索，
不是用嘴巴 :P
不好意思，开玩笑罢了

好了咯，
读书时间了，
不想肥佬。
我不想两年呆在英迪没什么改变。
年尾我要上堤固力！！


conclusion,
去听Katharine McPhee 的 Terrified,
你就会百感交集，感同身受。

现在该烦恼的是几时才能回家。
刚看了行程，感觉回家有点....
不简单哟。考完试后就西北忙了。

LOL

下次见 ^_^

一切就像夏天的烟火，
绽放以后就回到瞬间的平静...

五月情

忌念日

521这一天
我等了好久
因为我想回忆
这一天，这一月，
一次的回忆，
让它灰飞烟灭，
过了就不再留恋。

曾经以为的天长地久 其实不过是萍水相逢。

去年的这个月，对我可算是刻骨铭心。
去年的这个月，许下累累的山盟海誓。
去年的这个月，经历了多少悲欢离合。
去年的这个月，言论了多少甜言蜜语。
 
还记得那一天，你我相识的时间。
还记得那一天，你我相见的画面。
还记得那一天，你我相知的空间。
还记得那一天，我们相惜的情恋。

你知道吗？

我们分离的时候，
真的想过你我的诺言，
在27-8岁时再继恋情，
因为那会是对的时间。
我回来把你给接回家，
就是我杰出的一天。
 
我们分离的时候，
我知道我们还有机会，
所以仍然保持联络，
我与女生还保持距离，
就为了避免让你吃醋，
让你心疼。

你知道吗？

多少次你告诉我，
你有了新的一半，
就有多少次的刺痛。
 
你胡闹分手那瞬间，
我就无奈的同意了。
 
在你挽留的瞬间，
我心已建上城墙。
 
你哭泣的声音，
泪光洒落的天空，
我听见了我看见了，
只能说时间不对了。

彼此在思念梦里的挣扎着。

你我经历的沧桑，
成了一生的教训。
 
直到有一天，
我们争吵了，
真正闹翻了，
拒绝联系了，
面子书删了，
回忆删除了。

这位匿名女生
第一位为未来铺路的
第一位陪我熬夜的

第一位

让我为爱情流泪
让我操心让我忧
让我学会包容体贴
让我奋不顾身保护
让我经历人生起伏
让我不由自主地笑
让我活着得幸福的 
让我学会人情世故
让我看透爱情真意

曾留下芬芳的味道，
曾画过迷人的风景，
曾一起坐过的列车，
曾到过的世外桃源，
都会在今天的现在，
随风飘逸幻化成云。

不知不觉我们都成了彼此生命中最美的过客，携着各自的愁绪，在尘世里游荡。在同一座城市里，在两个相似的屋檐下，有着一样的日出日落，一样的柴米油盐。
 
当我们原谅了彼此的荒唐，便是此刻的曲终人散...


我知道现在的你，正和你的另一半生活得开开心心，
你们都很匹配，郎才女貌。
我也不打算打扰你了。

我也会像你一样活得多姿多彩，
像你一样把记忆了的一切删除。
 
把该奋斗的人生轰轰烈烈的走完，
再找个终身伴侣慢慢变老。

哈哈。

我有的是时间，男女爱情这事，
我让它go with the flow,
因为我知道这是冥冥中注定好了的。

哈哈。

伤过才明白，痛过才懂得，我们总是于经历后才慢慢学会，渐渐懂得。人生没有什么不能放弃，没有什么不能割舍。背得越多，走得越累，护得越紧，伤得越深。生活总有一些时候，一些地方，不需要我们执著，不需要我们坚持。转身后就该遗忘，挥手后就该淡忘。

最后，必须记得爱情中没有对与错，也没有先来后到，有的只是爱或不爱，不要等到错过了再去后悔。爱情里没有输赢，只有爱与不爱，爱就要爱的痛快，不爱就忘得干脆，哭哭啼啼挽回的不是爱而是同情。参杂着同情的爱就不纯粹了。爱了就爱了，付出了，体验了，哪怕结果会是伤了，痛了，无论如何不要为自己的付出后悔。

 

 现在，我体会了感情，不一定要轰轰烈烈才动人，它也可以绽放平平淡淡的美，久远而温馨。喜欢，不一定要拥有才不会留下遗憾，它也可以是一种思念，一种回忆，一种向往。

 

爱过就是爱过，哪怕长不过一天，我不后悔。而我愿你好，年年岁岁，岁岁年年 。

 

 

我们有些故事，不一定要讲给所有人听；有些悲伤，不一定谁都会懂；有些伤口，时间久了就会慢慢长好；有些委屈，受过了想通了也就释然了；有些伤痛，忍过了疼久了也成习惯了；有些藏在心底的话，不想说也就没必要说了。其实，并不是所有的痛，都可以呐喊；不是所有的爱，都可以表白。

 

 

此事已告一段落，此情已达句点

一切都一放下

 

耶！！！！！

 

忆经 五月

为什么题目是忆经 五月呢？因为五月发生了很多事，记忆  -  经过 - 五月
lol


要感受我的心情，的空的话，在你读之前去找然后听这些[ ]中的歌，我在每一段会放不一样的歌
哈哈

废话不多说。

[Happy Feet Two OST - Under Pressure - Rhythm Nation]

5月5，换政府
5月8，去ubah

Ubah 大集会 @ Stadium Kelana Jaya，我参加了，第一次去stadium看不到墙壁看不到草地，你可以想象下有多少人了，够力多人oh。我和我兄弟儒诚 放学后搭ktm 到 kl sentral 转 去 kelana lrt 转 巴士 去。真没想到在车站那里遇到inti 一位中国朋友， 蛮surprise地问他为什么会来的，他说在中国没有机会见到这样的场面所以来拍照体会一下，还说得知今天很危险所以连护照都带来了。''强'' 那么英勇，一个人走走？他说是啊，趁现在年轻（20岁）不懂事时，到处走走有不怕迷路，就走咯。来马来西亚走走不会迷路因为路上我都有注意旅店，迷路了去住一天，第二天早上搭的士回咯。''强''..

突然觉得不懂要在哪里下车，问winson哥要不要问人，正是时候啊，我看见一位兄台买了和我一样的chipsmore,mineral water放进书包，就问他，然后我们就这样认识了，都是同道中人。哈哈。第一次去到mamak档，开着灯还是暗的，做么咧？全都是黑衣人，哈哈，够壮观。我穿了orange衣，感觉很特出就赶快去换了，然后就这样Blend进去人群了。

8点开始，4.30pm到，微微细雨，那时人潮都达约4 - 5 - 6k 酱。7点多这样细雨停了，壮观的场面又再一次浮现，直到什么吗？我头一转，周围的人都有着同一样的动作，用手拿出电话(abuthen)向着天空，把那道彩虹拍下再upload去facebook,你说壮不壮观？哈哈。其余的内容不必说了，我体会的都跟facebook真实新闻一样。

Sir Anwar 还没到时，我们已经离开了，因为lrt 11点 关 =.='' ktm 12点 关。

够力，走出stadium的人只有蚂蚁两三只，去stadium的人潮就像一窝蜂这样。够力，马路都被热心爱国大马人民给塞着，公共巴士进不了，唯有走路回lrt station,更够力，我们走反方向，还要够力，我们问路时，遇到百年难得一见的好人s, 主动offer我们一程去lrt,太感谢了！！毕生难忘，我会驾车时一定会像你们这样！！

我不后悔山长水远的来到这里，让我体会什么是真正的人民团结，历史道德教学里的真意！

Ubah！净选盟，人民们，大家一起携手当个不朽传说！

 -------

换这首[Mark Petrie - Arise Victorious]

就在同一个星期
我给人的感觉就很像anti-social
唯有上课的时间有人际交谈，
其余的时间都是在房间，要不然就一个人到处走走
没有人能找到我 :|

在另一个星期，也就是上个星期
另一brade,yeeping, jio我去他房间打dota2
jio我晚餐一起吃，okay :)
然后原本我想不要出的，蛮累下
整知他没有收到我msg,
我让他们等了一会，赶下去上车，出去

到达时，够力，我坐错位了吧，
尼玛，只好装镇定哈哈。
-。-
都蛮真下。

就不懂为什么
我整个星期活动满满的，
也让我快活起来。
生龙活虎这样地充满灵感。
哈哈。

何时会有这样的机会，
充满灵感，想什么写什么创什么做什么。
很开心下。

过几天,yeeping又几steady下，
说去就去，
就这样去了巴生吃海鲜。

就星期五，
感觉就像末日,
mgt老师给group project,
我多么希望能像理想中的班这样选groupmate啊
就有个朋友，死都不要我换group
那时我几想说，幹，都上大学了为什么还fix在一个群组啊？
学到什么？
我要换组不是因为不相信你的办事能力，
我只是不想fix在一个群组，
也有一点感觉和你沟通不来，
虽然我们都是龙的传人，
但还是...这样咯。
到最后，我还是不懂如何拒绝你，朋友嘛...
在没有办法之下，我只能告诉自己把一切一切做得好好的，
不允许错误地再来个突破，
就这样一回到家就开始做做做。
做到一半给组长看时，他竟然没有反应:O
悲剧了。

最近，
我为着我的未来铺路
为着我的www.simsonlee.com
哈哈，现在还under construction。
branding还不简单，自己的logo更挑战了。
希望这星期犹如上星期啦！

这篇就这样完结先。 等下 1am 会post另一个。 那篇比较多人情事故 :]

悲歌

泪光
给予了太多的惆怅
远去的梦想
是过往的希望
如今的理想
是带着光标的方向
引导走出凄凉

绝望
给予了太多的迷茫
希望就在前方
收起悲伤的眼神
用记忆的翅膀
去寻找属于
心中的天堂

每个月都经历了不一样的事情，都打算update blog, 但因惰性而Skip 了。
忍耐已经到达个限度了，再不发泄，实在是撑不下去了。
这几个月，风风雨雨，都只记在心谷里。

很多人问我，做么一直emo。 我都回答每个人都有自己的动力，being emotional 是唯一让我能专注思考的原理。或许我的生活比较复杂，对于emo，我把它给分成了+ emo 和 -emo。 哈哈。伤感时，或许能变成诗人变成才子，脑海里浮现的都是虚拟的现实。我不是随便emo的，每个人做事都有他自己的理由，只能说我也是人。

做events忙得死去活来,没能睡好觉，我都无所谓，都不计较，都没关系。
每天晚上和朋友们一起合作，都被嘲笑，为什么？因为我怕黑，好笑吗？难道我不想走出童年阴影吗？每天都傻傻被愚弄，我忍。你们开心，留到迟迟，或许需要点娱乐，没关系，让你们笑吧。看见朋友们能够开心地做东西，狂笑之类的，这点牺牲没关系。新人们的加入，要求回去睡觉读书做功课，去吧，我不阻止，为什么，就算他们新来要学东西，我也不忍心看着他们做得不开心，因为同情心而中骂，我忍，因为不想伤友情而中骂，再忍，因为责任什么都揽上身都没关系。无辜中Shoot，没问题，可能他心情不好，给他发泄，忍。用尽心思作出的产品们，被某些人的一句不喜欢/本身的感觉，就得改掉再重新做过，没关系，他们不了解艺术，也是我的工作范围，忍。是又被人传绯闻，毁名义，没关系，他们要有话题说才能继续做东西，忍。突然被人槌，没关系，她刚失恋，让她发泄，再不喜欢都好，她是个女生，还手又不是骂又不是，只能忍。

有人犯错，有时不提，就为了不伤感情。

不回答不代表我沒有想法，
不回答不代表掙扎，
有些事情心里明白 卻不能夠明讲。

把悲伤烂在心底，只让快乐面朝阳光。我们所看到的，往往不是真相。只是被扭曲了的假象而已。没有人会知道自己的悲伤在何处慢慢地溃烂。

朋友说：有些束缚，是我们自找的；有些压力，是我们自给的；有些痛苦，是我们自愿的。对过去的追思，耗时且没多少意义，从无先天注定的不幸，只有死不放手的执着。别把眼光盯在别处，羡慕嫉妒恨皆是歧途，只有坚持做自己，才能看到下一秒的收获。别把某些人与事看得太重，能伴你到终点的，唯有你与你的影子。

有几天去做了善事，探访老人院，孤儿院，残障人士中心，体会了很多东西。最吸引我的目光是一位年轻人，他坐着轮椅，他的笑容是多么的灿烂，看着撕心裂肺，但却溶化人心。他有位跟他活了蛮久的好朋友，几个月前过世了，他一个人还能坚强地活着。

我不是伤心，不是颓废，我只是想说出心底话。

我有自己欣赏，崇拜，喜欢，爱的人。这一切我都分得很清楚。外人可能矛盾不已，对我没有什么好印象，但我不介意，这是我的人格，我的想法，我的感受。我只想说，我没侵犯你的感受时，请别来质疑我的想法。

近来，
了解了一些事，很多人都会逼自己去完成人家对你的期待，他人要你笑，你就笑；要哭，就哭；做不了最原始的自己。为什么？在我们出生时，一切都很简单，是我们自己把它给复杂化了。何必？

我也知道停止该停止的，继续得继续的 ;]
一些人表面上很配合你，但心底却是另一种想法
一些人表面上很钦佩你，但背后却是亮出匕首

有些东西注定与你无缘，再强求最终都会离你而去；有些人，只能是生命中的过客，再留恋，到头来所有的期望终究成空。不属于的，就放弃吧，大千世界，莽莽苍苍，我们能够拥有的毕竟有限，不要让无止尽的欲求埋葬了原本的快乐与幸福。如果想什么都抓住，最终却是什么都抓不住。

朋友说，缘份就是深深浅浅生活中的礼物。缘分到了，自然有人向你走来。有些情缘不问因果，有些人遇见只是一场烟花易逝，有些人遇见注定改变一生，有些人遇见注定要终其一生来遗忘。

朋友说，不主动去争取，何来的福？不是不主动，而是不能动。是个火种，点燃了，不是焚身，就是产出火花。这份险，不敢冒。只因不想失去。

知足常乐

相遇是缘，相识是福，相伴是生命的定数。

与人相处，我都很真实了，或许是自我表达不够好，才引起误会，让人害怕，厌恶吧。
也或许大家都身在不同的国度，无法接受另一个国度的言行举止吧。

原来，不是每个人都能接受最原始，最真实的对方/自己，所以面具才那么好卖吧 ;]

虽然说我是位男生，我也有脆弱的一面，偶尔流下眼泪，既能让我看得更透彻，也能抒发感情。可不可以有一个人，可以看穿我的逞强，可以接受我的脆弱。告诉我在她的面前永远都不需要只有阳刚，告诉我就算所有的人都不相信你你都还有我。

每到夜深人静时，我才倍感寂寞倍感心酸，孤傲的人心易碎。难过了，拿着镜子看看自己，让真实浮现眼前；难过了，默默将自己隐藏起来，让空虚掩盖一切；难过了，闭眼倾听周围声音，让自己沉浸在喧嚣中；难过了，都让音乐把它带走。

有时候，觉得自己一无所有，仿佛被世界抛弃；有时候，明明自己身边很多朋友，却依然觉得孤单；有时候，走过熟悉的街角，看到熟悉的背影，突然就想起一个人的脸；有时候，突然很想哭，却难过的哭不出来；有时候，突然找不到自己，把自己丢了。

一个人的时候喜欢傻傻的发呆；一个人的时候喜欢听着让人心动的音乐；一个人的时候喜欢推开窗，遥望那轮明月；一个人的时候喜欢自己作词；一个人的时候喜欢胡思乱想；一个人的时候喜欢数着夜空无数繁星；一个人的时候喜欢等待流星的滑落。

我们有些故事，不一定要讲给所有人听；有些悲伤，不一定谁都会懂；有些委屈，受过了想通了也就释然了；有些藏在心底的话，不想说也就没必要说了。其实，并不是所有的痛，都可以呐喊；不是所有的爱，都可以表白。



终于好多了，好久没用3粒钟时间来po文le... haha... 是时候对自己说声加油了 ^_____^

大家也是 (　◕‿-｡) ♥






自古相思最难耐，可怜红豆生南国。



xD ... i lazy edit the colors, so want read just read la :D. See you again.