2012年 5月 4日
那一被风吹过的夏天，我认识了她。
可能我比一些人早上课，第二个semester就会有新学生来facebook加我。
一切就好像被安排似的。不知为何，我去信息这女孩，
'hi, thanks for add... mind intro?'
很多人会说，simson你一定是看人家漂亮就跟人家讲话啦，男生都是那样。其实不是，再之前也add了其他女生他们都不错看，可是我就没有去信息啊，就这一位女孩。我，信息了...
一种奇妙的旅程由此开始
她，也很有礼貌地回复：hello is here, 18 =) frm sban。
噢，大家都是芙蓉人，也都是inti生。就这样聊起来了。
那个时候她拿了一个FBIT，1st semester。而我还是AUP。
很快的，我告诉她，她给我的第一印象。她有70%像张韶涵
我们的聊天都很正式，也不像现在打字起来一大堆符号，也没有一大堆的short form。可能是那时候英文课的后遗症吧。
她，没有去orientation, 要找人带带她走走。那时，我带不到，还在sembreak中，就叫她问问看那些她中学但早一个sem来的朋友，最后她找了她姐姐的男朋友帮忙。
至于我呢，我也忘了那个时候sembreak我在做什么，就可能闷，就信息问了她，今天怎样？
她，dun enjoy. feel like changing to law sub, business is not my cup of tea. 我就随口说了，咦，你有律师样咧。
She: How you know?
Me: Because I can see it.
She: Face is different la.
Me: Haha, I can see it. You will be a very successful lawyer.
之后她说，她当天哭了两次。因为不能适应大学的生活。因为觉得她加入不到班上的gang,她比较特别，喜欢静静的空间。过后也就聊她如何换课程的东西了。那个时候啊，她问的问题其实都不是我答的，因为我也不懂，很快就打电话给这个那个朋友或者officer问问看，才回答她的。
那个时候啊，我对她没有什么感觉的，就觉得能够帮一位新学生就帮，我真的很喜欢这里的生活，接触到很好的东西。说的东西就比较正面而顾及学校的形象。
另一天，随口问了她，changed course? 她竟然说是的，A-Level's Law。 什么？！我还觉得她开玩笑呢。我告诉她我很喜欢宿舍的生活，有朋友，虽然比较朴素，可是很开心。因为一直以来我都是个不喜欢待在家的人，虽然家里有冷气和好床，可是比较闷。宿舍生活很简单，随口喊喊就有几个人回答你。那个时候整个block F还有以前8，90年代的宿舍生活的态度。她，很想回家，第一个礼拜嘛。
She: Inti lousy la, no diploma in law.
Me: then why you come here?
She: Sister n her bf la. plus i wan study.
Me: It's ur future, cannot based on your sister and her bf la. Oops, i talked like an uncle.
She: I like your attitude like an uncle.
Me: haha, thank you. Since you have choose the subject you like, i believe that you could achieve high performances in that.
She: hope so, high performance hard to find bf also :p...
Me: high performance in study doesnt mean that. high performances in studies or works give you wider range of choices of boyfriends with excellence attitude (我不知道以前我可以打这样的字）
She: normally guys give up me easily. u guys hard to get my mind la.
Me: is them guys, not me, im not included, i studied a few psychology, might get people mind easily, although not always right la :p..
She: lol, u can try..
Me: seriously, is easy for a girl to get a boyfriend, than a boy to get a girlfriend.
She: honestly, is nice to chat with you, even we're not so know each other.
Me: Maybe im talkative?
She: Is nice you talk with me. cus i seldom talk in real life, maybe you will scare me.
Me: Me too, but im changing. I need wider social network for my future, so sometimes need to be thick face.
She: So when you see me, just simply say hi to me, cus i will nvr talk to ppl who i dunno
Me: I always walk fast looking at the ground or the sky. normally, if female friends i smile, male friends i wassup. If i see you i too shy forget to say hi, you remember to smile at me yeah?haha.
就大概到这里，就叫她有机会就试试周末留在宿舍，和朋友多多出去交流。然后她就说，教堂是她最喜欢去的地方，她是catholic, 我便向她借借bible, 我不是基督徒或者天主教，可是那个时候我有兴趣去了解主。她便邀请我随时join她去church。
She likes to take photograph. She has a DSLR with her, bringing it to every place she went to snap down the special moments that she likes. I even asked her to bring her camera to inti so i could get a special collection for myself. She agreed.
Me: Trust me, get friends, spend time together, enjoy uni's life. tell you la, my gang all boys.
She: join me la, im girl.
Me: You go get a gang of girls then join my gang of boys la. my gang now small, left me and 2 johor older friends.
She: nvm la. actually how you think of me?
Me: friendly, attractive, responsible, humorous.
She: 2nd 1 quite fake ah.
Me: oo, you no trust me.
She: believe la.. I always reject people who praise me, that i'm pretty because i think im not.
Me: Because there's no ugly people in my life.
She: lol, you're right.
Me: sincerely, based on our conversation, i know you're good, really glad to know you.
I don't know why but suddenly, I have strange feeling towards her. It is weird because until now, it is only the fifth day since we know each other.
Then, we started to invite each other to join together for revision although different courses, but she is taking law which i would take in the future, and she requested English language & grammar help from me. We did went out for revisions 2 weeks later when I'm back to uni. That time, i am so motivated to go out with her for revisions isnt because i really want to learn law, as im not taking that yet, it is just that my grandparents always mentioned to me, ‘you must find a female friend, that you both can always study and do revision together, then improve together, is very good.' then, i ma try lo..haha..
We had fun chit chatting with each other. Constantly exchanging messages for 5 days, almost 6 hours nonstop everyday. I get used to talk to her. We both enjoy reading each others' blog. She likes my blog because very chim. I like her blog because she has strong vocabulary and news about latest trend.
In the following days, she told me she have a senior that always take good care of her, bringing her to this and that place, eat a, hang out a, buy things a. At first, i feel very normal only. But when she kept saying it everyday, she did almost everything with this senior, I started to get very jealous. But is ok, i remain nothing because she said she wants to focus in study now, and, I did think a lot, she's going to UK while I'm going to US.
Now, im scrolling the old messages, i even taught her, 'hatred make us suffer, leads to false action, i wont hate people, and never hate people before, i just dun like, but i will tell them why.' so chim.
She then mentioned she doesnt like people to wear white spec, looks like nabek. And, that time, im wearing a white spec. Then ask her, so, you dont like me la? she said, you ok, just your spec only. But nothing to worry that time, i have 4 different specs that time, black white noframe metallic. She said to me, she asked me to check her Facebook information, as she did mentioned a few points there, or favorite quote. I never recalled that I did wrote to her something like this 'no, i seldom read people's facebook information, because i don't like to know someone just based on the info given but not based on interaction.
Me: You want mature guys a? those 20 or above lo?
She: dont older more than 3 years la. 20 is enough for me.
Me: haha, your senior.
She: Ya, he is mature thinking.
Me: Tell you sincerely, mature thinking is in everyone, just based on is it suitable to show maturity or not, sometimes maturity hurts, sometimes, help.
She: You keep ask me these questions, is it you interested in me?
Me: no la, i just want to know my friends well only la.
She: So, what you want to know?
Me: Nothing. I prefer real life interaction. Can know someone's behavior and words may lies. But, I trust you.
She: As what I trust you.
Then we talked about highschool life, what we did. I was a prefect. She hates prefect. She said no people will like prefect, i said i liked. Everyone hates me, i'm very strict, i have principle. Then we talked about past relationships. We both had two past puppy love before.
She likes my brother, the 3 years old one.
She: Hen cute leh.
Me: just like me.
She: yaya, let you cute xia la.
Me: shet, so childish.
She: sama sama childish la.
Me: I deeply believed that sometimes, childish at a particular time period will make us more relieve than being mature all the time since childish helps us to laugh, to play along, just like a kid, dem enjoy...
She: You made me smile. I agree.
We have our conversations going on for days. Few days later. she promised me to teach me to play Richard Clayderman's Marriage De Lamour.
说到这，大多是暧昧的对话了。我不想让看这篇的人吐，因为几个很close的brother听了都骂粗话。不由自主地记着她说过的每句话。就是不愿意承认自己喜欢她，因为很不可思议，我们真的还没有见过，而且在那两个星期里就喜欢上一个女生会让我自己觉得很儿戏。
突然之间，她问我，她是不是我的那杯茶。我傻掉: haha
She: not tea also milo la..
Me: you so straight to the point...
She: wah..
Me: Just need to look into your eyes.
She: so straight.
Me: You straight, i mah straight lor.
She: I afraid voltage too high.
Me: And you get stunned right?
She: Just kidding. I'm lame.
Me: No la, very cute.
She: i dont like people say im cute. M i cute?
Me: ok la, not cute, charming ok.
She: I prefer people say i am thin.
Me: you very thin / slim ady lo.
She: thx la.
Me: you really scare voltage high?
She: ya, but cannot force de ma. sorry la, im.. awkward...
We then shared somethings within our own family. Feel nice and lucky.
She: praise GOD to know you. amen~ sleep now.
我真不知道那时我是真单纯还是假正经。
Few days later.
She: I like big green field. can lay down and look sky.
Me: wa. me same. I wish to go there since 10 years old. Wide endless green field.
She: 为何， 我向往的， 你也是呢？
你是我哥哥？
Me: how i know?@@ just some points same only la.
She: ok lo.
Me: Blogging.
She: Who?
Me: Me.
She: ? Me too.!!
Me: What? 为何，和我一样？ 你是我姐姐？
She: I not jiejie. Im mei mei. I oct de lo.
Me: I don't want. I want others...
She: 问你啦，女孩喜欢贴近那个男孩，因为他有很特别的味道，证明那男的有安全感？
Me: 哇。谁酱sexy. 我哪懂，我没有贴近男生嗅他们的味道lol. 不知道，之前也有一个女孩天天站我旁边，说我很香。够力。(is she)
She: 哈哈，好笑。
（几段censored了）
She: 你很了解我一下。我在学着放下压力。
Me: 你总是学不会，别学了！干脆找一天，和我聊。
（几段不是重点）
She: - - -
Me: 哇，你的名字好听到～
She: 我突然想喝绿豆汤
Me: 煲给你
She: 你会？
Me: 错，叫那个追你的那个男生，你讲他什么都愿意做。
She: 那个不可能的啦。我还是喜欢senior的主动。
Me: 看来，我不用追你了，有他就够了。哈哈。开玩笑罢了。哈哈。不过如果你的senior真的很好，选他吧。
She: let the time choose.
Me: if very hard to choose, choose me xD. easy.. jokin...
She: lol. okok. i know you joke.
Me: I can dunwan joke too.
She: serious?
Me: let the time to choose. btw, can you change your profile picture?
She: why?
Me: too attractive jor. cannot focus. haha.
She: you want me block you from see my things?
Me: joking jek...
She: Yes ma, you keep complain.
Me: no complain la. praising only.
She: no choice lo, what to do if i attractive? xD
Me: ya lo what to do. give me more time to know you.
She: Why?
Me: nothing.
She: K.
因为一些事弄到我自己看起来很复杂，然后她说：做你朋友就好啦，做你女朋友，很难咯。
过后，
She: 那你喜欢谁？
Me: 现在？
She: 难道未来咩？
Me: 现在没有，想喜欢的就有。
She: 勇敢点啦，谁哦？
Me: 你。
She: wa, serious? 真的是我咩？
Me: 你看你又不相信我。
She: 你讲到不清不楚酱。
Me: haha, you lo.
She: hard to believe lo. but why me?
Me: i dont know. our conversation?
She: 开玩笑。
读到一半，原来以前，我有妄想去哈佛学院。哈哈。
She know ask as if i know martial arts? because she learned. Taekwando if not mistaken.
Me: I ask you la. how if i punch you?
She: punch you back. Since i know also.
Me: What if i slap you?
She: slap you back lo. i dunno how.
Me: What if I love you?
She: Love and like is different la. make sure you love me before you say it out!
Me: tease u jek.
She. What if i kiss you?
Me: hmmmmmmm.. i never think about this before lol @@
She: I waiting someone online.
Me: is a boy.
She: who?
Me: the one you wait la.
She: y u out? =(
Me: ask the person la. what why i out? you not waiting someone online meh.
She: nothing,i think the person might doing something.
Me: ya la. boy la.
我还真不知道那时我是真单纯还是假正经。
She: y u learn so many english? how u learn?
Me: what me? you stalk me? .... 999
She: saw your status jek...
Me: you lo.
She: me what?
Me: you teach me english lo.
She: ur head.
Me: my status is about you again.
She: cus u miss me.
Me: me?
She: just admit lo.
Me: ya la. i miss u la.
She: I miss you too.
那时我真的很开心，感觉受宠若金。可是我每次都很努力的说，不可能啦，我们才认识不到一个月，哪里可能，朋友开玩笑罢了啦。
还记得前阵子母情节我做给母亲的影片吗？其实，她是那位inspire我的人。因为我在想着的时候她说说了。
她每次叫我和我喜欢的人告白（她），我都说好的，我会告诉她。我就说不如母亲节的时候，我带你回家见我妈妈？当着礼物。她惊讶。我说开玩笑。她说，她比较希望是认真多过玩笑的。
这件事过后我们的信息变得冷了一点。几个小时里只说了一些客套话。然后我说我梦见了她
She: u so miss me meh?
Me: friend de miss gua..
然后她说了一些话。那个时候我真的，毛孔站起来。她说，告诉你，其实有时，我也是会想你。可是你的想应该是想朋友啦，你也应该会想起它女生的。当你回学校的时候。
终于，2014年 5月 17日。我回到了学校。便约了她出来见见。
第一次见， 那一幕还是很清晰，坐在block E 前面的栏杆，等着她，她出现，走过来。好美，好美。她羞涩的望着地下，我便随口问她，为什么一直看地下啊，我又不恐怖，看一下我不会死的。鸡蛋糕，她真的看了我一下。
见面后，我们变得更熟悉了。之后我便得知，她为什么不熟悉宿舍的环境是因为她来自一个家境比较好的家庭，她真人真的很好看，比照片好看很多，她又有着无比的上进心，她也盼望未来的到来。过后，我们聊想去的国家，她要和她的另一半去法国巴黎，丹麦，西班牙等。我说我喜欢哈尔滨，大峡谷，马尔代夫，就算是单身，我也一定会去。她还叫我快快找个女生一起去呀。我说，你就是我认识的女生。她回道，如果你是认真的，我可以考虑。我‘你不要又再玩弄我了啦’。这几天，她都和我聊她未来的事情，真的，我没有想过会有一个女生和我聊，她要几时结婚，她和她未来的另一半的未来大概希望是如何。她说她喜欢会拍照的男生，我说我喜欢艺术，但不精通摄影，可以学。她就说希望她有一个会摄影的另一半，可以拍下他们的一切给他们的小孩看。我们也聊着想要怎样的婚礼，蜜月地点。真的很白痴。过后就说她的senior也很会拍照，选他嘛。她说不要。接着说不要想那些婚礼的事，忘了吧。
我们每天都说一些有的没有的。可是我们都不知道大家都喜欢对方。我们都会以，怎样说呢，就是：她会叫我，记得这些事要告诉我现在喜欢的那个人，帮她问好那样，她不知道我喜欢她。我也不知道她喜欢我。我就每次逗她说去找那男的。我们都会帮彼此追那个对象可是都不知道我们的对象就只是我们。好笑吧。
直到2014年 5月 20日， 我们谈到一些未来的事情，却达成共识，觉得，我们还是永远保持朋友关系吧。她会和她喜欢的那个人更进一步，而我也会追我喜欢的，（其实都是彼此啦，就我坏不承认，怕她拒绝，而且她一直说那个senior对她多好）然后她会去英国，我会去美国。然后我们聊得越来越悲哀那样。感觉真的很心痛。莫名其妙的可惜。顶不顺直接call她，叫她出来见面，就算最后一次，也没关系。那时是晚上。
我们走到游泳池上那个露台那边的长凳坐下来。走着的时候都很尴尬没有说话。我们坐下来了，之间都有一个空位，过后我就坦白说其实刚刚我们的聊天里提到的，我真的很伤心，心很痛，然后我们就越坐越近。直到她坐靠在我的肩膀那，我看着她，我就没想那么多就叫她把手给我，她给我她的手变看着我，我二话不说亲了她额头一下说，你就是我的女人。我不想你和别人走。我们所聊的，我们来完成，不要别人。她开心地笑着。我的初吻之后就没了。她问我，为什么不是五20时告诉她，我开玩笑说全世界都520啊，不闷吗？我就要和你在521时在一起，容易记。哈哈。就因为这个容易记，我就记到了现在2015年，那个时候是凌晨1点53分我们在一起。
第二天早上，也就522， 我们开心地说早安，然后上课，快快上完课，就见面，就去找她，一起做assignment,讨论跟互相学习。做到一半休息时就聊到，我问她什么时候想嫁人了我娶你。她说她还没有想到，我说我也是。但她希望在26岁-27岁时结婚。至于生孩子，她还没准备好。她说，她知道我喜欢小孩。她说她不是不喜欢小孩，她只是怕小孩子哭，我说没事，我来逗。然后就聊到如果结婚，该去哪里。哈哈。真的。18岁时的我们，很夸，很难得。
之后的我们，就一如往常的好，也像普通情侣那样，天天见，天天聊，天天一起做功课，我们都很粘对方，最夸张是同时用viber,cubie,facebook和skype同时聊天，每20秒一封信。甚至于朋友天天洗我，重色轻友。那时候我知道过后也很难认识朋友了，所以很努力维系两方感情。
我们偶尔会吵架，可是很快就好。有一次越好一起出街。很开心。那个时候我是第一次和她搭公共交通出去。我还很记得那些映像。
6月 17日 晚上
这个时候我参加了cc8，我是sponsorship的，比较得空一开始，可是camp rules 说尽量不要用电话，不希望小孩子们来玩电话。过后又被叫去帮qm, 我一天就比较少信息她了。到这一天的晚宴，她问我为什么迟回复她，我说我和别人留着电话号码。
She: got know any girls from this camp?
Me: got, many, but they got boyfriends.
She: kalau no bf de you go liao lor?
Me: ya gua..haha
She:......
Me: hahaha
She: funny?
Me: why?
She: dun make fun with me as u know i will jealous n yet u still act nothing.
Me: dem...
She: fine then..
Me: Cannot meh? :P (i forget to tell her actually im in my job so i tot she is really nothing so just tease her)
She: like or no like up to u! I jealous lo! Makan cuka n u still nothing, u like them is it?
(and actually the camp, i mean the place that i incharge no girls, all men, strong muscular men = =)
Me: I no like them la.. sorry la, if i say something wrong, i two days no sleep ady, 乱乱说话, sorry a. dun keep in heart, i go sleep now. chat with you tomorrow morning.
6月 18日 早上
正当我要信息她时，她信息我，问我为什么没有上线。i no online because later i online but away from keyboard then you text me, and i late reply you bo happy. so i put offline first.
She: 为何你整个人变到很讨厌这样，我都没说你什么 u dun wan on,is up to u,i not k also,i just asking oni.
Me: maybe i too fatigue until i like that. i really didnt mean anything.
She: tat one not the reason ok?u urself oni know wat happened! dun try to hurt me,thx!
Me: what la, i really didnt mean anything, and i wont hurt you. you dun keep thinking the bad things.
She: sometime,when u talk,do think the effect first...im nt kidding. i reli dunno when a person is reli tired,he can talk until he dunno what he talk?
Me: I thought you know me ma. I know what im talking, maybe just dunno how to express (clearly).
She: u have to know, ur pattern keep on changing, idk u well btw. like ytd wat u said i rly pekcek. i will endure i tell u.
Me: sometimes i really dunno what im doing (tired of explaining, really few days no sleep well)
She: im very tired dy.
Me: we want a stable relationship.
She: i dun wan keep guessing what u think, i really tired.
Me: everything is very easy, nothing is complicated, u keep think complicated way only, i have nothing for you to guess also.
She: i din,n i dun plan to make it complicated,let end it easy,sorry.
Me: What? what happening now? you dunwan me dy???? halo?
She: i think i dunwan to be tired anymore, let u be free better.
we getting aggressive.
Me: so, im letting u tired all the time? actually...
She: no, u r not.
Me: u din enjoyed once?
She: I enjoyed every moment.
Me: I didnt brought you the happiness?
She: im tired to know someone that i loved but dunno his character.
Me: so how? now how?
She: I have to end it. u go find someone that can know u better. btr than me, a girl who is polite and don say rude words.
Me:why
y
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y
why????????
(then i started to blame myself)
She: dun like that k? im not good.
Me: i hope i would feel better.
She: dun hurt urself
Me: u are better than me.
She: ily (fullform)
Me: or u just want some space to think only?
She: that nothing wrong with me, just me, my problem.
Then, the entire conversation gone very sorrow. Everytime i flash back also. very hurtful. 3 years already 3 years. I cannot forget this fkin conversation. She said she enjoyed our relationship and we both deeply in love. I wish i wont cry , i said. She then said she dun plan to end it. But that time really hurtful. I dont know how other people think on me, but that time im really fatigue, after 3 days nonstop preparing the beds tables etc for the kids didnt sleep well for three days, i just hope when i got back she would or might say something good, but she said to end it, then i really dunno what to react i told her, alright, we would be best friends for now. Then she say she dunwan be friend. Then we promise if 26/27 years old both still havent marry or still single, we would get together. Then she say, no friend, dunwan be friend, she just lied about the breaking up thingy. To be honest, (this one i never tell ppl before) that time i really hurt. Almost cannot absorb everything she then said. Just few days before this, a friend of mine said that his ex always use break up to lie him to get his attention, then every break up he cry very gaolat, then he say, if a girl really loves you she shouldnt use break up just to get attention. ngam ngam i face this, i didnt know this is a trial. She then really said, the break up she just simply spit it out so that i could be more attentive towards her but i didnt yet turned away from her. she cried, i cried. thickest barrier is formed between us out of a sudden. when i say i cried, i did cried. we both cried. everytime i walked passed the corridor we used to hang out, the bus the ktm the places we've been hanging out, we cried.
Both of us planned that both of us are the life partners for each other. But just a lot of contradiction popped out suddenly like no tomorrow. I wanted to go back to her, she said no. She wanted me to go back, i ignored.. (now, WTF). Asked her to mean to me, she said no, she said i have to adapt the life without her, yet wished me all the best forgetting her. (now.. WTF)..Then i was scolded, 'You are the one who say wants to be friend, you dun talk to me about this anymore, i just fulfil what u wish'. (now..wtf, if only i could be a bit gentleman that time?,might be different?,might forgive the phrase 'break up is just to get attention'?, to be honest, what really hurt me is not that, but is just said by someone i really deeply in loved, when i never really ignore, i just couldnt accept someone i loved would use ending the relationship as a reason to get attention, i just cant, somemore with the case experienced by my friend, if she want space to think i can accept, but ending the relationship, shit just got real man)
I say, i will wait her. She said no need to wait her. Then few days later, she say she will wait me. Then few weeks later, she is no longer single but with someone else. I am still okay. i believe, she will be back. So at that time, she has relationship problem with that guy, we will still sit down and talk about that. we are as good as before just no carry hand or hugging like that. a pair of love birds but separated by the bars of a cage. I never tell anyone or her. I really hurt everytime she finds me talk about her current boyfriend. Even my best buddy go after, and she almost fall for him. WTF. through my introduce before. WTF. But i understand her so much and my best buddy so much. I tried my best to prevent both of them together, i dont mind her to go with other guys but, this my friend whom i understand what his purpose i just couldnt allow her to be hurt again. A lot of things happen within the period.
We just broke up few weeks later, she was in a relationship. two weeks later another. I don't know why, but i really hurt, still pretend, it is okay. until one day i really beh tahan. i say, i will be back when you really living happily ever after with another guy. she hope i could get the best woman in my life when she is the one but we both said the samething to each other. (this relationship is actually started and ended in a month plus like that, but it is like years for me. a lot of days, and the conversation above, a lot is just within one day, you can see how frequent we talk to each other, it is just like already living right next to each other, that is why it is so momentous for me, i dont know her but for me yes) then sometimes she say she will wait me again. sometimes ask me no need to wait her again. it happens always, again and again. and both of us, i dunno why but maybe like face or self-ego keep ask each other, if want love other ppl just go ahead. fk.
One month, i could not reach her. Her senior who really likes her came and told me, or scolded me. said. Do you know she very sad because of you, she hate to eat food. after both of u break up, she became thin a lot. everytime she eat things, she 扣喉 then vomit, then everytime she eat she then vomit. Her parents dunno anything, but also very samtong. even her sisters, they all very hate you, simson. he say, 她这个千金小姐放下身段为了你，她很现实的可是为了你什么都可以不理，她长的美，又读书厉害，也能为了你。我曾经有一度不满，是不是因为她是女生？男生难过自己啃，不说，忍着。This senior even warned me not to find her anymore. But i really love her.. 那不满的事就忘了..trying my best to reach her again. but still cant. 我们两个在彼此的前面都总是爱逞强。
从那次开始我就开始找借口责怪自己，不够大方，可是仍然记得那时的山盟海誓，不管如何我一定会等到那一天，她结婚还是什么男未婚女未嫁的时候。就此消极起来。堕落了。堕落到一个地步我真的忘了我是谁。开始不去上课，找借口拿多多event,不去考试，做了很多很不理智的决定。从此不再去幻想还是梦想还是妄想什么。什么都是屁。玩game最实际。参加很多event让我至少有一个photoshop可以陪伴我。不是她的问题，是自己的心结。只是这心结让我不小心堕落到我忘了我该做什么。
她不知道我过得如何，我也不知道她过得怎样。
直到，8月1日，不绅士的我不想再看她和别的男生，就把她unfriend了，她不知道就过来骂我，我说为了大家好。她就如同我做初一她做十五那样的在面子书写了我的大名来指骂。过后我遭人吐槽。说，你不珍惜友情，我也一样。
9月 26日，她的旧号码我联络上了，她慢慢开了面子书，我很开心可以继续和她讲话，但都是客套话。我们之后也再学校碰面。她很开心，我和她聊一下，她走开了一下，我便走了。update 了一个status, 我忘了写什么。 她突然pm我，你会生气吗？我不明白。她说，待你的方式。噢，你是指那个status啊，别想多啦，不是写你 ^^....问我为什么刚刚那么快走。我没有告诉她其实我真的不想走，可是，就是讲到- 没有啦，反正刚刚有fog，你也会回房间啦，然后你又在讲电话吗，我就走先咯。她说，她相信我，也希望我支持她做的每个决定。嗯。而就在当天晚上，她上传了一张她抱着一位男生的照片，可是脸挡着了。吃醋还是什么一定有啦。一是因为，我们在一起，照片不多，最好看的那一张，现在已经过期了，download不到了。（连facebook都不给我看她了）。二来，那男的不是我。是分手后她第二个男生。
那张照片后，我们越来越冷淡了。可是她仍然不忘叫我补习，改我的坏习惯。说之前大家都不成熟，才会那样，现在得一起学习成熟起来了。她对我的感觉变了，我假装说我也是。她有喜欢的人了。也有很喜欢她的人了。不是我。每次和她聊天，她很认真的谈着，我却尽量夸张的使用嘻皮笑脸的符号。
10月 4日 几天后就是她的生日了。她说她想找人聊天罢了。我们就约出去见面谈天了。她想吃糖，我去买，说不要，还是买了。
过后几天我们都有聊天。她每次叫我打包，我真的很开心还能做点什么事，至少可以见见。
10月 9日 她生日。我之前去买了礼物，可是没有带给她。然后无意间看到她和别人庆生。我那时不知道原来那个男生也有在那里。我之前有句话我很想对她说。可是，那天之后，她问我想说什么，我却觉得不想打扰别人，就说真的没事了。也留着那礼物，可以拆的拆，可以吃的吃，可以抛的抛。
我真的和喜欢她叫我全名。很喜欢。我不明白为什么之前的我天天说话说一半，为什么不把剩下的那几句说完我现在就会好过一些，为什么！！不过，都3年了。
之后，我在foundation, 遇到了她的一个以前的classmate，然后我们刚好有同一个gns event, 然后前一天我找她的时候这个朋友刚好有在，第二天，我就和她这个朋友一起去一个event见管理人，那人就随口问了我关于她的东西，我就说了咯。当然说些好的东西啊。我不会让别人说她的坏话的。怎知道，从这个event回来后，这人就走去和她说我们的聊天。她第二天中午一点来警告我。 用律师的口气说，我警告你不要侵犯我的隐私权，为什么你告诉别人你和我的事。我说我没有说什么啊，就很表面的东西。我们又不懂如何地吵了起来。漏口地说了一句，你可以不要再幼稚了吗？一发不可收拾。她回，你才幼稚！这4个字，也就是最后一句我收到的话了。
就这样，她block了我。完完全全地。她，换了号码。不久之后，我从朋友的account看到她公开她和那个男的了。我不知道是不是因为之前我们没有公开却影响感情，而这一次她公开了。嗯。我就再也不知道她如何了。
2013 年里，我在那么小的inti也只遇到她4 次。而是每隔两三个月一次。每次遇到，都是很戏剧化的。不可理喻。记得有一次，我按钱，转身她就在后面。都做了同一个动作，望反方向。另外有两次，就是inti的那个桥，我走上桥回宿舍，她从桥上的另一端走过来，而这时，周围真的没有人，就只有我们两个在桥上擦肩而过，也都看了一眼就望别方去。过后，差不多2014年头，我不知道她有没有毕业了，可是每次走过我们走过的走廊，我都没有忘记过，而恰恰有几次street event我都遇到了她，我不知道为什么每次在人海之中都能看到矮小的她，可是她的前面总有一位男士牵着她了。我每过3 4 个月都会找一位朋友，借他的facebook来看看她的境况。她越来越美了咯，可是我还是喜欢那个她。他们两个过得很幸福，男的又帅，和她又配，他们常常去旅行。2014年中我没读书了。有一次回去找朋友，在火车时看着那个位置，我们以前坐的，微笑起来，开玩笑地说，我和她会不会真的很戏剧到等下下火车时，她上火车啊？哈哈。然后我就去巴士站等朋友来载。看着这么多的车辆经过。过后不知为什么很像感觉什么似的就望了过去，鸡蛋糕竟然真的看到她坐她男朋友车来到火车站。她应该没看到我吧，没关系。她开心就好。
嗯。3年了。这么快就3年了。在她之后啊，我喜欢几位女生，但不管如何都只有喜欢，连酒后真言都说喜欢。嗯。3年了。 发生了很多事。可是感觉全部都连接着的。
早前我去接受上帝时，有个aunty帮我pray说我心里有刺而且很痛，那个时候我不明白是什么。而接受上帝前，牧师说了我们要放下心头大石我们才能前进，那个时候我也还不知道那是什么刺。但比较好受。直到前几天，我不知为何，想看看我之前的信息。有很多次我想开开这17583封message时，scroll到16000++封时，都会hang掉，browser直接crash。而这一天，我小声地祷告，说，亲爱的主耶稣，希望你这一次给我scroll到第一封，我真的很想看到底发生了什么事，到底少了那一点。就这样，我重新读完了。有不同的看法和感慨。我真的很感谢上帝，给我寻找那根刺，也就等于是时候面对这根刺了。以前很多东西拿出来说我，我很明确知道这些都不是刺，而，这根刺就是真正锁在心头下那逝去的春天。
现在她完完全全地block了我，我真的一丁点她的消息都没有了。没关系。我只希望她和现任真的天长地久。虽然我还有那小小的念头，我不介意有一天不小心去到她们的结婚典礼。哈哈。在此，我感谢山姆在她需要陪伴的时候出现，和她在一起。你们俩珍重。
在不同的年龄看同一件事的时候都有不同的看法。此事没有对和错。是，真的会有遗憾。可是都三年了。我相信上帝给我自己在这个时候面对这个问题，就代表祂相信我会怎么做。
她很美，我们在一起的时光，短暂却幸福。
这篇完整版，终于见世面了。哈哈。这根跟了我3年的刺也，终于抽出来了。感觉很像有一部分的灵魂回来了lol。慢慢适应。真的好多了。真的很感激上帝。现在看回去，我没有想到原来这女孩介绍上帝给我认识。她也给了我很的多回忆，都是好的。她也教会了我很多事。
很久没有用那么长的时间去打一篇文章。不过，是值得的。
我很开心，真的很开心。
和这已逝去的春天说再见，也迎接另一光明的前程。
写着写着，发现，这里是起点，也是终点。
Goodbye. 又耳小姐。
